BSNEWS Exclusive: Interview with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Beard

A little-known fact:
Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's beard is a self-aware entity with the power of speech, is highly intelligent, and plays a mean game of backgammon.
Using my Mad Journalistic Skills, BSNews was able to interview the beard behind the man about Iranian politics, and other hot-button issues.

BSN: So, how are you?

Beard: Well, kinda scratchy..but I'm a beard...kinda goes with the territory.

BSN: So, am I to understand that you are a self-aware entity with the power of speech?

Beard: Dude, you already covered that in the intro.

BSN: Sorry, I'll move along. So the elections are over and the guy whose face you are on won by an 80% margin.

Beard: What can I say? The Iranian people know what's good for them...I mean...er...um, they like us, they really, really like us!

BSN: But your opponent and his supporters are alleging massive fraud.

Beard: Yeah?....well.....umm........he's got a big butt.

BSN: Was this election on the up and up? Was it a fair election?

Beard; Totally fair! The Iranian people were completely and totally free to re-elect us.

BSN: What about charges of massive irregularities and reports of your face's widespread unpopularity over his mismanagement of the economy.

Beard: Lies! All lies! There were no irregularities, thousands and thousands of Iranians spontaneously poured into the streets recently to support us.

BSN: Are you talking about that government-arranged "pep rally," or the days of violent protest that preceded it?

Beard: Violent protest? What violent protest? There was no violent protest. You have no evidence of it!

BSN: Ummm...we have video, audio, eyewitness accounts.....

Beard: So?! Just because a bunch of people claim to have seen violent protests, and taken video of it...

BSN: Your own state-run media reported seven deaths from these protests.

Beard: Oh, THOSE protests...Oh, yeah, I....um...forgot about those. Those had nothing to do with the election though.

BSN: Excuse me?

Beard: Yeah....those were...um.....anti-....um....American! Yeah, that's the ticket, anti-American protests.

BSN: Yeah, OK, whatever. Next topic: Are you guys producing nuclear weapons?

Beard: No, absolutely not! We have absolutely no interest at all in obtaining nuclear weapons technology so that we can become a nuclear power and sell that technology to the terrorist organizations that we back.. We are in no way interested in using this technology to develop sophisticated nuclear weapons that we can use as a bargaining chip with the West and everybody else we don't like. The thought of using nuclear weapons to threaten our neighbors and expand our western, eastern, and northern borders is one we've not even entertained. Using the threat of nuclear annihilation as the vehicle to expanding our control over the Persian Gulf is not even something we've considered. I mean, if we were going to try and obtain nuclear weapons for those purposes...actually, that would be pretty freakin' sweet!....but NO!...um...no, we are not interested in doing that! If we were, we might leave an unmarked briefcase underneath a bench in the Moscow train station with tickets to Tehran, keys to the Mullah Suite at the Waldorf-Ayatollah Hotel, and a reservation to the VIP room at the Magic Carpet Club, you know, for any rogue nuclear physicists who might out of work.....IF we were interested in doing that.

BSN: The...um...."Magic Carpet Club?"

Beard: Hey, what happens in Tehran, stays in Tehran!

BSN: So I've heard. Anyway, your face said a while back, on a visit to New York that there were no homosexuals in Iran, is that true, or was he just talking smack?

Beard: He's right! There are no homosexuals in Iran,, only "confirmed bachelors."

BSN: "Confirmed bachelors?"

Beard: Yes, guys who never marry, choosing instead to live with good male friends, fellow students at the interior design school, or co-workers from the houses of fashion.

BSN: Right.

Beard: They periodically have "Confirmed Bachelor Pride" parades that get kind of crazy! Some guys as a joke show up dressed as women, some show up wearing leather clothing, it's all in good fun!

BSN: Yeah, I think seen a few "confirmed bachelor pride" parades in the Castro District in San Francisco.

Beard: So you know about all the wackiness, yes?

BSN: Not from first hand experience.

Beard: Oh well, to each his own...we love going to the parades!.

BSN: Um....OK. So, your face has insinuated that the Holocaust didn't happen, care to elaborate?

Beard: My face never said the Holocaust "didn't happen," he said that he "didn't believe that it DID happen." Get your facts straight.

BSN: My mistake. So, what led him to not believe that it did happen?

Beard: We met an eyewitness at a Confirmed Bachelor Pride Parade who saw the whole thing....

BSN: You mean, who didn't see the whole thing?

Beard: Oh, yeah....right. Anyway, this man, a Mr. Hilter, was a very old man from Argentina. He assured us that while he was actually in Germany during the Second World War, that the whole Holocaust thing "totally never happened."

BSN: So you're willing to ignore mountains of primary source evidence on the word "some guy" you met once at a "Confirmed Bachelor Pride" Parade?

Beard: Not just "some guy," the High German Supreme Chancellor of Not Rounding Up and Killing Jews....that's what his job was during the war.

BSN: Oh, silly me.