Bugs Found in Water Droplets on Mars

The renowned Kazakhstan Computerized Space Gizmology Organization (KCSGO) recently announced that bugs had been found in water droplets on Mars. This discovery ends centuries of speculation about whether life exists on the Red Planet.

KCSGO spokeswoman Maira Orth said: "This is probably the most exciting event in mankind's history. The next stage will be to try and discover intelligent life on Mars." NASA, meanwhile, have remained silent.

Texan oil magnate Bill Jerkovski, on hearing the news, said that he wants to work with KCSGO and search for "black gold". Jerkovski says: "If any of them Martians want to do a deal, I will give 'em a fair price. We're talking billions of dollars here."

Consequences for Humanity

The consequences of discovering life on Mars could be very exciting indeed for the human race. The discovery of water itself could also indicate that the Red Planet is rich in resources - which humans on the overpopulated Earth could exploit. There is cautious optimism that the rare element Tefftonium may also be found on Mars. One gram of Tefftonium would give the Earth enough energy resources to survive on for a million years.

Rock star David Bowie, who wrote the song Life On Mars, is apparently nervous about the lyrics of his song being regarded as disrespectful by possible future Martian marauders. Bowie is currently holed up in a secret location, fearing the worst.

Should We Try and Communicate?

If Martians exist, will they be benign? Or will they be benighted?

The dilemma of whether or not we reach out to our little green friends is a cause for intense debate. They may like us, but then again they may want to destroy us. Politician Mickey Boolshetar, on hearing the bug news, reportedly called for an urgent investigation, regarding the possibility of Martians having weapons of mass destruction.

Martians Could Be Music Lovers

We don't, obviously, know at this early stage what Martians like. We don't know the way Martians think or feel. Would they prefer Shakespeare to Dickens? KCSGO are planning to drop Leo Tolstoy's masterpiece War and Peace, near to the water droplets to test the intelligence of the bugs. It is hoped that KCSGO will be able to pick up animated discussions by the bugs, about the book's merits or faults.

There have been attempts to communicate with possible Martian lifeforms, via the music of Britney Spears, Kanye West and Beyonce. Very surprisingly, the Martians, if they indeed can hear, have resisted the crap that purports to be music, and have stayed where they are. Besides, they enjoy April Fool's Day too much...