Bullies -Coping Then and Now

I attended grade school in the 1970's. At that time there was a 'don't interfere' policy in regard to how children interacted with each other. Now, I don't know if this was a nationwide policy, statewide or just unique to my particular district or building during that period, but this meant that the bullies were given free rein to terrorize anyone they saw fit. Unless blood was spilt or other physical damage done, they could do whatever they wanted to whomever they wanted with almost complete impunity. Physical blows were frowned upon, but unless a teacher witnessed the event, no amount of stool pigeoning would get you anywhere. Tattling was highly frowned upon and might be deserving of a lecture, but name calling, playing keep away with someone's possessions and any number of 'non-violent' crimes were practically encouraged.

I was not one of the bullies. Quite the opposite, in fact. I was at the lowest end of the pecking order and the recipient of more teasings, trippings and occasional beatings than I care to remember.

I'm sure the actual count of incidents is less than what I seem to remember, but they were significant enough in total to scar me for a lifetime. I know intimately what the scent of blacktop is like as your face is shoved into it. I know what it feels like to literally have my back up against a wall. And although I don't remember their names anymore, if you were to show me pictures of my old classmates, I'm sure that I could not only point out each bully's face but could describe what their breath smelled like and how their eyes bored into mine until I was sure they could see all the way through me.

I tried to avoid them by spending a lot of time in the library, but would eventually get kicked back onto the playground by concerned librarians who thought I should get more sunshine and fresh air. Explaining my plight to the various teachers fell on deaf ears. I was told to ignore the taunts or fight back or laugh it off or something else unworkable. I lacked physical coordination as well as social skills and bullies don't tend to listen to reason no matter how clearly and nicely you try to talk to them. Even if someone had taught me how to fight, I didn't have enough body strength to put much into a punch. Karate, judo or some other form of martial arts defensive training might have helped, but I grew up in a passive household. Turn the other cheek was our guideline. And I was a girl - girls weren't supposed to fight no matter what. So I continued to turn every possible cheek I owned and the bullies continued to torment me for five years.

Eventually, my mom took pity on me and enrolled me in a private school for the following year, where such behavior was not tolerated. On the second to last day of class at my old school, I decided I had nothing to lose and found the ringleader of my torturers during recess. He and a large group of other boys were playing a kind of combination wrestling and tug o' war together. They had packed up into a big ball and he was facing outwards, nearly immobile. I closed my eyes(I know, rookie mistake, but I was trying to concentrate on putting my full weight and anger into it) curled up my fist and swung. And missed.

Instead, I nearly clipped a larger boy who was right next to my target. And while he was another bully of sorts, he had never really given me too much notice before. But now I had his complete and undivided attention. I tried to apologize and explain that I had been aiming for someone else, but it was too late. With the swiftness of a cobra, his beefy fist hit home into my gut. I doubled over, as anyone would under the circumstances. I don't remember if I sat with a thump to the ground, but I do remember a couple of girls who I could almost call friends help me stumble to a nearby classroom just off our section of blacktop as I tried to find my breath. A teacher was quickly summoned to assess the damage.

In the end, I got in trouble for throwing the first punch. And the only reason I was reprimanded was because I got caught out in the open doing it, with several classrooms worth of students as well as a couple of teachers as witnesses. They couldn't suspend me for the incident since the school year was as good as done, but I did get a good talking to by my homeroom teacher. My response to five years of bullying got me a lecture and a missed opportunity for revenge.

Speed ahead more than two dozen years as my youngest son is attending middle school. Times have changed and for the better! My boy has many of the same social ineptitudes and issues that I did at his age and he is just as clumsy. In addition, he has a speech impediment and is in special education classes. I at least could manage homework and other learning aspects of school without much difficulty. To look at my son, you would think he's ordinary, but watch him move or listen to him talk and he sticks out like the proverbial sore thumb.

Middle schoolers are notorious for being overly cruel to each other. Hormone surges are hitting some while others are developing more slowly, taking on far more child-like behaviors and attitudes. Many are feeling all of this at the same time. This dichotomy causes all sorts of turmoil for these young psyches. In some ways you might as well mix first graders with high school sophomores, the differences between individuals and even within a single child from one day to the next can be a very perplexing mix of thoughts and feelings to deal with. Fortunately, bullying is no longer tolerated in any school setting nowadays, despite this roiling cauldron. Teasing, name calling and of course outright physical violence can earn not only lectures but detentions and suspensions, depending on their frequency and severity.

Unfortunately, the teacher to student ratio is not enough to patrol every hallway and room to completely prevent bullying. A crowded hall during the changing of classrooms makes for a ripe opportunity for a 'casual' bump or barely audible jibe. Upon stepping just outside a classroom door an elbow here or whispered nasty name there can get lost in the shuffle and noise of so many bodies moving on their way to other locations. Stares, glares and other dirty looks or gestures can occur while everyone is still seated, as soon as a teacher's back is turned. So while the behavior is definitely frowned upon, it does still happen.

During his second year of attending middle school, I received two separate phone calls from the school offices in regard to my son. In each case, he had hit another student. He was brought to the counseling office to explain himself and be allowed to calm down. In both cases, the teachers and I were on his side. Each of the other children involved had been teasing and provoking my son for weeks and months. Enough was finally enough and all the lectures and meetings with these children about not bullying had fallen on deaf ears in both cases, so my boy finally took matters into his own hands. I can't tell you how gratifying it was to hear the secretary at the other end confirm that my son was justified in defending himself.

Now, I don't like violence nor do I condone it under any but the most dire circumstances, but I do support my son's actions in regard to these two particular events. Verbal assault is still assault. These spoken daggers hurt us in some of our most vulnerable places and just because this is invisible damage doesn't mean it causes any less harm than physical assault. Nearly ten years back I remember enjoying a series of public service announcements that aired for several years with the message that words hit as hard (if not harder) than a fist. Verbal abuse is wrong and should not be perpetuated nor tolerated.

Pacifists would have us believe that all it takes is sitting down with our antagonists and talking things out, perhaps with a mediator in attendance. While this is the ideal and can produce results on occasion, the sad truth is that most bullies are stubborn and feel justified in what they do. Talking may get through to some of them, but the rest are going to pretend to agree with whatever the victim or mediator says and then turn around once the meeting is over and continue from where they left off. Sometimes the ensuing behavior is even more aggressive than before. Words, unfortunately, are simply a form of background noise to them and often don't penetrate their sensibilities.

In these cases, more drastic measures are called for. Physical combat may be necessary to literally pound into a bully's head that what they are doing has consequences and should stop. A show of force, unfortunately, is language they understand. Even if the victim doesn't win the fight, the fact that they are willing to stand up for themselves sends a clear message that they don't want to be pushed around anymore and that they want the attacks upon them to stop.

For my son, it just took one punch each time. His response came unexpectantly after months of him doing his best to shrug off the verbal barbs and elbowings and other prodding that he'd been receiving. And in both cases, the other child backed off and left him alone afterwards. Word spread and other bullies appeared to back off as well. There were still a few snide remarks and other little jabs that came his way until he finally graduated and moved on to high school, but the number of these incidents declined and he did not feel the need to use physical violence again.

He's normally a very easy-going sort. Resorting to his fists really was his last resort. Just like it had been mine so many years ago.

I am happy to report that the emotional damage from my youth has been addressed, along with several other issues, during various counseling sessions over the last fourteen years. I will always have a sore spot in regard to bullies and their behavior, but it no longer holds sway over more basic everyday events, decisions and attitude. I no longer cower inside when I cross the path of someone larger than myself. I no longer doubt that I am a person worthy of love and respect. I am capable of making jokes at my own expense rather than getting defensive and wary if someone joshes me.

My son has entered high school since we moved to a smaller town a year ago. The teasing he receives from his classmates is mutual instead of detrimental. He is making friends. We're lucky that the atmosphere here is one of community instead of every man for himself. No one picks on him now, or at least not to the severe degree he experienced before. He is happier now and is adjusting well.