Bullies and Me

If most people are honest with themselves, they have to confess at some point in their younger years they bullied someone. The word may be changed to "made fun of", "teased", or excluded but the ultimate result is the same. The child who is the brunt of the negative feelings pays the price.

Children are odd little creatures. We place them in Kindergarten often without preschool and no experience. My son began Kindergarten last August and he has been bullied. It seems logical children will pick on those who are different than they. Whether this is done out of fear because the child is different from them or out of pure meanness, I cannot say.

A few days ago, we had a parent-teacher conference for our son. As I walked into the building, I passed my Kindergarten classroom. The feelings hit me hard. Kindergarten is a traumatic time for any child so perhaps those who bully do so to release their own negative feelings. The reason behind bullying may be more complex than I have stated. I was a bully one time in my life. I made fun of a dear friend at a summer childhood cancer survivor camp because he had no hair. The insult was not in front of him but I've never forgotten that insult. Someone asked me to be his girlfriend and I said, "ew, he doesn't even have any hair." The following week I met him at St. Jude hospital and learned him for the sweet soul he was (he is deceased now). The irony is I would have been honored to be his girlfriend after meeting him and learning about him.

The same problem many adults have-judging others by appearances has not escaped our children.

My first case of bullying came in the first grade when I stood up for another little girl who was being picked on by two third graders. We were very small first graders and her family was poor so her clothes were not in style. Ultimately I lost my friend for defending her and became called that girl's sister for a while. I do not regret standing up for her in spite of the loss of friendship. Another little girl who came from a poor family was picked on as well. We became good friends. She turned those words hurled at her inward upon herself and when life became too rough for her, she committed suicide at age 16.

The bullying for me came in strongly during the fourth grade year. Prior to this point, I was a bossy little dynamo. After being diagnosed with the cancer, I felt and was treated differently from my peers. Some scattered to the other side of the hall when they saw me walking to classes. None of us understand cancer and some parents believed it was contagious. These parents asked their children to stay away from me.

A school transfer came when I was fifteen. I wanted to outrun the bullies and have a fresh start. The irony of life is you cannot run away every time. By November of that year, I was diagnosed with a cancer relapse. The new methods of bullying were "tumor", "radiation!" (I laughed at that one since I never took radiation-only chemotherapy), and "disease infested." While these comments made me angry and I turned the feelings inside upon myself, I see now the children who said them were afraid. Most teenagers do not have to undergo cancer and they expressed their fears in making fun of me. Teenage years mean you are supposed to be safe from illness and dying. My life challenged what they saw as fact.

Times are much different than they were twenty-six years ago when I was in Kindergarten and even sixteen years ago when I was in the tenth grade. We are a more inclusive society and it has created a positive effect. Children continue to be bullied but they do not have to face being outcast in another room as often. The result of this is other children learn children with special needs or children who simply do not "fit" are a lot like them. Bullying will never be completely ended but the first step to doing so is education-the type that cannot be taught in books but is valuable. Also, many children may need counseling to cope with being bullied. Coping skills to learn school is not the final say in life are crucial for these children. If my friend Rose had been counseled, she may be alive and thirty-three years old now. I learned of her death following my school transfer and was devastated. Children are too young to know what they do to each other. It is our responsibility to teach them.