Burnt Umber

The memories make me sick. It's a hot heat that rises up the spine and into my head. When it happens, there is a feeling that someone turned on a washing machine inside my skull. Instantly motion sick, it only takes an agreement from within to stop remembering that day for all the feeling to subside. Poking at the memory for confirmation it exists ceased as the feelings I encounter when I think about what happened to me prove that some things are better off forgotten. Now that a call to action has been made, you will also know what I fear most. What scared me so badly that I only want to forget.

I hope you are happy that you came because you'll probably want to forget what you read here on this page. I must get a glass of water now, but can I make it to the sink? Maybe I can't. The memory is in control of my body, and it's hard not to just vomit these feelings out right now. I know that I am fine, except I cannot get rid of the washer machine wringing my brain which is making me sweat and shiver at the same time. So here it is. Remember that I did not ask you to read it, but you did. It's not my memory anymore but yours, and I hope you're happy now.

Wednesday October 31st, 2007

A busy day starts like any other day except it has more to get done. That morning started as a day where I had too many things to do to get ready for the evening's fun. It was Halloween and I was in charge of getting everything set-up. I scheduled myself something to do from the moment I put my feet on the cold wood floors of my bedroom, to the time I arrived in costume at the party. Rising from the bed that morning, my toes could feel the change of seasons. It was easy to keep going that morning because the house seemed to be filled with air that was circulated around a big block of ice. From bed to shower took only moments because the best thing for a cold morning is a hot shower. It was nice to see the steam rise up as the hot water made its way from furnace to bath. Naked and cold, I went to enter the warmth of today's morning - that was when I was taken back by the ringing of my phone on the nightstand in the bedroom. Though the shower was more appealing than any conversation on a cold Halloween morning, habit and respect for those who call my phone took control of my thinking, and I quickly grabbed a towel and headed for the door. While it didn't take that long for me to get to the phone, it seemed to me that the ringing had gone past the point when voice mail should have taken over for me.

"Hello?" Customary as that salutation via phone was, a return greeting is what you normally get from someone who calls so early in the morning. Waiting for a response, my second "Hello??" was more of a request to say something back. Why would anyone want to keep me waiting in the buff in the cold in my bedroom on the phone anyways? "HELLO!??" I was really listening now. Because there had been no greeting, and I could tell that there was an open line, I took a moment to listen to the background sounds that were being emitted. Soft music played in the background. A song that I listen to everyday seemed to be playing amongst the sounds of traffic. "Click, click, click." The sound reminded me of a turn signal being used to alert others of an up-coming turn that was planned. For 30 seconds I listened to my favorite song playing gently in the background of what sounded like someone driving down the road. "I'm going to hang up now..." I was going to get back to my shower. An escape I had now looked forward to for too long this morning was going to be mine, and as I was about to end this call from nowhere, I heard sounds that made my heart stop.

Something terrible had just happened to whoever had called me and now the line was dead. No more background sounds came from the phone after what was a long screech and a smashing of metal. from inside a crash came the sounds I heard, and now the line was dead, and I had no idea what had just happened. No reason to stand there in the cold now, the call was over and I could see the steam coming into the bedroom from behind the bathroom door, and that's where I wanted to be. The time to think about the call was now, but the place was in the shower, and that's where I headed to quickly. If I was cold on the outside when the morning began, I was now cold on the inside from what had just occurred.

Inside the heat of hot water that poured over my cold body that morning I can remember thinking about the call. Before coming into the bathroom, I hadn't even checked to see the number on the caller ID. I might have been able to tell who had called me this morning if I looked at this information when the call was over. Because I wanted to get into my bath so badly, I didn't look to see if I knew who had called. I was going to think about it all day, and after looking at my phone for the number, I realized that the last number to call me was my own. I looked at that phone for about as long as it took for me to realize something was wrong, and that I would not know who called me. "Forget it." I told myself, and that's what I planned on doing. I had too many other things to do today.

A few hours later and I was on my way to really getting things done for the night's Halloween party. I had made my way from bed to shower to breakfast nook to the car. I had made arrangements to pick-up the party supplies at the local party shop, and before I made it work, I was going to get everything I could before the day was going to be taken over by the job. I began to move faster and faster as the time to punch in grew close. One more turn and I'll be there. Inside the car played that song from the call. My favorite song. It played softly as I pulled up to the light and waited for red to turn green. When the light turned, I went ahead with my turn. And then it happened. It really happened, and now I will never forget it. It makes me sick, and I hope that it makes you sick too.