Bush Administration Turns to Cheat Codes to Stem the Tide in Iraq

In a press release made available to the public yesterday morning, the Bush White House is seeking to utilize the fabled "Konami Code" to help turn the war effort around.

The famous code, Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B A START, has been featured in dozens of titles released by Japanese game developing giant, Konami. Perhaps most famously, the code granted gamers extra lives in Contra, making the game exponentially more playable. The code made its inaugural appearance in the NES port of the popular arcade shooter Gradius. Kazuhisa Hashimoto, who was developing the home console version of the arcade classic, found that the videogame was too difficult. To make the experience easier and more enjoyable for the buying public, he developed the famous code, which enabled gamers to get a full set of power ups.

At the moment the Bush Administration is in bad need of a full set of power ups.

"Our soldiers in the field could greatly benefit from having 30 lives, instead of the usual one," says the respected Gen. Patraeus, who added, "Can you imagine how freaked out the enemy is going to be when our boys fall to the ground, flicker for a moment, have one second of invulnerability and then get right back to the offensive? Unstoppable."

Accompanying the dense and often times confusing official proposal, President Bush delivered a fiery speech before Congress. His perplexing metaphors were met with bemused stares and muted laughter until the audience realized the seriousness and gravity of what the president was saying. In what might possibly be the watershed moment in of his presidency, Mr. Bush waxed mystifying, "The future remains bright and our resolve is titanic. But gusting in from the Middle East are clouds of orange doubt and pestilence. It is at a moment like this where the strongest nation in the world needs help from on high. I have spoken to Japanese gaming guru Hideo Kojima, the man responsible for the popular Metal Gear Solid series, and he has assured me that the code will work. This is an important day in American history. This is our finest hour. I can officially state with no hyperbole, mission accomplished!"

Others are not so thrilled.

"It's bad enough they cheated to get us into Iraq, now they're going to cheat to get us out?!," fumed an irate Hilary Clinton. "This is just another flagrant example of how this administration will blatantly deceive to accomplish anything."

"After they use the code I wouldn't be surprised if Bush turned 'God mode' on," remarked a typically wry Jon Stewart on last night's airing of The Daily Show. Huge applause erupted from the audience as Mr. Stewart quipped, "They might as well call the war Operation: Grand Theft Integrity."

Despite the immense and immediate negative backlash, President Bush seemed positively ebullient about the idea, "I think the prospect of outfitting all our soldiers with unlimited ammo and stealth camouflage, like the kind 'Cyborg Ninja' had in Metal Gear Solid, is very progressive." He continued, "Life is really the ultimate videogame. Sometimes you come up against an enemy that is just way too tough to defeat within the parameters of the game. In situations like that it always for the best to cheat; some might try to get 'better' at the game but that is a waste of time when you can end all your troubles with the push of some buttons." Cryptically Mr. Bush added, "We're making great strides toward ending all of America's problems the same way."