Buying Jewelry: Men's Guide to What to Get and Messages Jewelry Sends

Unfortunately, men tend to pick jewelry the same way they pick their nose - very little finesse, thought or planning. It's just a job that needs to be done, and it's best to do it quickly, without over-analyzing the results and, when possible, where no one can see. And women have the same reaction to these basic and interchangeable male picking techniques. If we love you, they're tolerable. If we're having a bad day, you'll suffer endlessly for your shortcomings.

So if the thought of buying a piece of jewelry for your girl causes your bowels to cramp and your head to ache, this is the article for you. Since real men don't wear jewelry, expecting you to be able to choose it for us is just setting you up for failure. You wouldn't ask us to pick out monster tires for your truck, yet we expect you to buy us something you think is stupid, have never noticed and know nothing about. We're funny that way though. Most men don't know this, but bitching, gossiping, crying at movies and eating chocolate, combined, doesn't even come close to the pleasure we get out of torturing you. Every once in awhile though, one of us will get an attack of conscience and spill some of our secrets, which is what I'm doing here. So fix your collar, sit up straight, and pay close attention to the information that follows.

From the time the first caveman hid a sparkly piece of rock in the dinner he had just beaten to death, and the first cavewoman bit into it by mistake and broke her tooth, men have been trying and failing to please women with shiny stuff. So from historical context alone, you know that no matter what you do, if you're a guy in a jewelry store, you're going to get it wrong. Most jewelry stores have exchange policies, and most women will be happy you tried. But if you're an over-achiever (or if she's a keeper) you'll want to at least make it look like you put some actual time, thought and effort into it in an attempt to get it right.

Hint #1 - The person looming over the glass case can help - let them. They don't know your girl, but they know what's ugly. You don't.

Hint #2 - If you can't answer simple questions (what month was she born, what's her favorite color, does she have the appropriate hole to wear the piece of jewelry you're buying), ask her mother or her best friend before you go to the jewelry store.

Hint #3 - Don't bring her mother or her best friend to the jewelry store with you. Word will get back to your girl, and she'll think you're:

A. Fooling around.

B. Going to propose.

Hint #4 - If you aren't giving her a diamond ring, don't give whatever you have bought to her in a ring box. No matter what else it is, she's either going to be

A. Scared and refuse to open it.

B. Disappointed when she does.

Hint #5 - Any kind of jewelry that has her birthstone is perfectly acceptable as long as:

A. It's her birthday gift

AND

B. She wasn't born in January, February, March, May, June, July, August, September, October, November or December.

Hint #6 - The salesperson can help, but their mortgage payment is way more important to them than whether or not you're going to get some tonight, so the final decision is always going to be yours.

Hint #7 - When deciding how much to spend, keep this in mind: The price should pinch enough to leave a bruise, but it shouldn't cause you to double over and talk like a girl.

Bonus hint - Double points for you if you're incapable of wrapping a boxed gift and you wrap it anyway.

So, armed with this new knowledge, you swagger to the jewelry store, feeling pretty cocky about your advanced abilities to choose the perfect bauble for your babe. Now, for the real low down dirty trick we play on you: Every piece of jewelry sends a message. When you give us a piece of jewelry, you'll be blissfully oblivious to what we think you're telling us. So I'm going to save you some heartburn and tell you what you're actually saying to your girl with your gift:

Costume jewelry or plated metal purchased anywhere other than an actual jewelry store: You're giving her permission to dump you. (Or you've raided your mom's jewelry box because some little cutie stuck her tongue out at you during recess.)

Silver - You're never going to marry her (or you haven't gotten your first real job yet).

White gold - You want her to trust you despite all the reasons you've given her not to. (Because this could be silver and she'll have to take your word for it when you tell her it's not).

Yellow gold - You either want her to stick around for awhile or you're thanking her because she has.

Platinum - She already trusts you; you're just showing off.

A watch - She bores you. Unless the diamonds all but obliterate the time telling feature or you're thinking of retiring her, a watch shouldn't be your first choice - keep in mind that this is an item she can use to keep track of how late you are (again).

Charm Bracelet - She's silly, but cute (and you're lazy, but interested because you won't have to put any thought into the next gift giving occasion. And there's going to be a next gift-giving occasion).

Tennis Bracelet - You're giving her permission to walk all over you. But she's worth it.

Ankle Bracelet - She's a summer fling.

Toe ring - You have a foot fetish.

Tongue, thumb or eyebrow ring - She's sexy and fun, but you're not going to let her meet your mother.

Nipple or belly ring - You want to see her naked (and she'll never even know you have a mother.)

Pearl necklace (Best choice to scare her off) - You want her to mother you, plus you're never going to take her to a Korn concert.

Diamond necklace - She's too good for you, but you hope she won't notice.

Chain - You think she already has too much jewelry or you're cheap. Or both.

Hoop earrings - You haven't take the trouble to figure her out.

Any kind of jewelry with precious stones (ruby, sapphire, emerald) - You're not there yet, but you're willing to learn.

Any kind of jewelry with semi precious stones - You're not smart enough to learn.

Diamond earrings - She might be the one.

Ring - She is the one and it better be a diamond (See Hint #4).

As a last resort, or if you haven't read this article, you can always bring her to the jewelry store with you. You're deferring to her better judgment, and giving her free reign to spend your monster tire money, but you'll save a fortune in Pepto Bismol and Tylenol. And, gentlemen, once you have come to your senses and given her the diamond ring, you're home free. After you're married, she'll tell you which piece of jewelry to buy, where to find it and exactly how much you're going to spend on her.

And, should you now be totally confused, intimidated and way too nervous to go near anything that shines, there is a simple, easy to remember solution. Consider this your last and most important hint - If you're not ready to buy her a diamond ring, skip the jewelry store and pick her a flower.