Bye-Bye Sarah, Say "Hey!" to the Russians for Us

With the election over, we may now look forward to having intelligent life return to the White House. Change We Can Believe In. But as great as that is, I can't help but feel a little sadness as Sarah Palin leaves the campaign trail and returns to helping make America safe by keeping an eye on Russia from her perch in Alaska. I will miss the crazy broad; she was wonderful entertainment.

When John McCain committed political suicide and named the unknown comic as his running mate, little did we realize that this woman would give us in the span of only two months the kind of lunacy it took George W. Bush eight years to conjure up!

So as I sit here, tears falling on my keyboard, a lump in my throat, I would like to take a few moments to say goodbye to The Divine Sarah...

Yes, I will miss you, Rambette.

I will miss your lovely voice, which has officially passed yodeling as the most annoying sound ever produced by humans.

I'll long for your down home, small-town talk, your way of droppin' the letter g from the ends of words, and your folksy "you betchas."

I'll be craving your mavericky ways that made your mavericky running mate wonder what the hell you were doing.

I'll wish I could see you wink and smile just one more time while telling the moderator that you won't answer the question because you want to talk about something else. How cute.

I'll miss that deer-in-the-headlights look on your face as you enlighten us on that silly old Bush Doctrine.

I'll wonder how America will function without you as vice-president "in charge of the U.S. Senate" and making "a lot of good policy changes."

I'll wish you were still around to tell us who the real Americans are, where they live, and what values they have.

I'll never get to hear the examples you promised to bring to Katie Couric of John McCain pushing for regulation of Wall Street.

I'll wonder who will be there to speak for the pit bulls, hockey moms, and Joe Six-Packs, seeing as how most of them can't put a gosh darn sentence together.

I'll wish I could hear you warn us one more time about what a dangerous man Barack Obama must be because he pals around with terrorists.

I'll feel dumber without you there to share your vast knowledge of the field of science. Before you came along, I never knew dinosaurs and humans walked the Earth at the same time. Shame on my science teachers for telling me lies!

I'll feel sad that you won't be there to tell those immoral homosexuals that they can be cured of their gayness. How will Larry Craig ever know where to find help?

I'll worry about the state of marriage in our country. We need more good Christians like you Sarah to tell us whom we can and cannot wed.

I'll be concerned that the Obama administration won't understand like you do that we should stay in Iraq because "we are sending our soldiers on a task that is from God."

I'll wish I could hear again about how you bravely changed your mind after initially supporting the $223 million earmark for the Bridge to Nowhere and said, "Thanks but no thanks" for the bridge, but "Thanks!" for the money.

I'll wonder how many pregnant teens could have avoided getting knocked up had their mothers taught them abstinence as effectively as you taught your daughter.

I'll miss the way you could whip a crowd into a frenzied mob with some of them yelling, "Kill Obama!" And how you would proudly nod your head and move on.

I tell you dear Sarah; I'll never be able to look at another woman with bangs, glasses, and firearms without my heart pounding and my loins burning.

As sad as I am to see you go, I'm heartened to know that this taste of political fame has kindled a flame within you. And unless your husband Todd's crazy dream of Alaska seceding from the union comes true, you will likely make a run at the Republican nomination for president in 2012. That gives you four years to get your shit together and come up with some really crazy stuff.

I'll be waitin' for ya, Honey.