Caffeinated Pants. . . Losers?

Yep, II saw them on Yahoo. Leggings laced with caffeine from a company called Lytess that are purported to take one nch of your thighs and two inches of your hips if you'll just wear them for 3 weeks. The company sells these babies for $50. Now I've mentioned before, I'm a retiree living on a limited budget. For me to spend $50 on these coffee-colored bike shorts, I would have to have won the lottery...okay, maybe not the lottery, but at least a sizeable scratch ticket!

Here in Maine, we're nothing if not innovative, so I figured I could come up with a reasonable substitute for these java joggers--especially since I wouldn't even have to jog in them to lose inches...I just had to wear them!

I took two pairs of sweat pants, cut them off above the knee and sewed them together. It was pretty easy, I just had to stitch the leg hems together on my trusty portable sewing machine, and then join them together at the waist. I tried them on, to make sure they would fit, and sure enough....bi-thick Bermuda shorts lookalikes!

The next logical step to me was to soak them in a pail of "high-test "coffee. This called for a special trip to Dunkin' Donuts, as Mr. Eva only drinks decaf--he has an irregular heartbeat which goes hog wild on the regular joe! After checking out the menu, I realized that filling a bucket with their coffee would cost as much as buying the real pants!

Off to McDonald's, where any size cup of coffee is $1.00. I figured ten cups ought to be enough and congratulated myself on my frugality. I was investing only 20% of what Lytess was asking for; the sweat pants didn't cost anything....they were old ones I had on hand with worn out knees from all those times in the past when hubby wanted..... (ahem! I won't go into that right now, other than to admit that in his younger days, he used to have frequent. . . . requests, and I was always acquiescent, wifely duty and all.)

Having emptied the 10 large cups of coffee into the bucket, I contemplated my next step. Hubby always likes cream in his coffee and Splenda. I figured a quart of milk and cup of artificial sweetener should be the right combination. I dropped my pants into the bucket...not the ones I was wearing, the ones I created, and found a regular tea spoon wouldn't work for stirring everything together. The spoon just wasn't big enough to do the trick. After searching a bit for appropriate utensil, I found the toilet plunger to be just right for the job: added expense: $2.29--still well within budget. I could stir and "plunge" the pants into the coffee mixture to be certain they were thoroughly saturated.

When I was pretty sure every inch of my leggings was loaded with coffee, I dumped out the bucket and stomped out the excess liquid with the plunger. After a couple of hours in the sun to dry, my fanny refiners were fianlly ready for a trial run. Now I dropped the pants I was wearing and slipped my coffee creation over my thighs and derriere. Certain that slimness was within my reach, I made the mistake of walking into the living room where Mr. Eva was sitting and watching the baseball game. I only had to come within a few feet of him before he found himself begging me for doughnuts! A quick trip to Dunkin's and we sat and enjoyed a couple of Boston cremes.

Strangely enough, the same thing happened the next day...just like Pavlov's dog, my proximate prescence in the prepared pants had him drooling for doughnuts again! Back to Dunkin's, this time for chocolate sugared.

I don't think I can keep this pace up for 3 weeks. I haven't lost any inches; I've a sneaking suspiscion I may have increased if anything! In retrospect, maybe instead of soaking the pants in coffee, I should have just poured the dry coffee grounds into the space between the two layers of the twin trousers. What do you think?