California Governor's Debate

Last night's gubanatorial debate in California featured everything a prospective voter might need to know who to vote for this coming November. From evalutions of the incumbant's record to gutless name-calling, voters now clearly see the differences between Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger and challenger Democrat Phil Angelides. What follows is a rough transcript of what was said:

On Schwarzenegger's record:

Schwarz.: My record is impeccable. I have helped countless people over my short time, and I am surprised that the godless sodomites at the academy have never looked my vay.

Angelides: Surprised? Okay, the Terminator movies were great, but Junior? Kindergarten Cop? Or Last Action Hero? You're lucky they let you stay in Hollywood!

Schwarz: That vas not me! That vas a body double! Or, maybe a really beefy android.

Angelides: Again, the governor lies! Politics as usual, ladies and gentlemen. Governor, I do in fact have your record right in front of me and you are listed as the star of Junior!

Schwarz: Okay, so the vife spent all the money from Terminator 2 getting her Dateline gig. But I vasn't really pregnant!

On California's Middle Class:

Angelides: Governor, you have done middle-class families in California harm during your three short years.

Schwarz: I only beat up five of them.

Angelides: That's not what I'm talking about.

Schwarz: They asked me for Matthew Broderick's phone number. Jerks.

Angelides: Governor, under your administration, the middle class has been suffering unfairly due to a damaged economy that you have done nothing to fix.

Schwarz: And who was the treasurer during this economic damage?

Angelides: I was.

Schwarz: So it's your fault.

Angelides: Is not!

Schwarz: Is too!

Angelides: It not!

Schwarz: Is too!

Angelides: I know what you are, but what am I?

Schwarz: A veenie.

This childish exchange continued for 34 minutes.

On Political Comparisons:

Angelides: Governor, you're jut like George W. Bush.

Schwarz.: Who are you?

Angelides: Bill Clinton.

Schwarz: You get hummers in your office?

Angelides: Yes, but that's beside the point.

Schwarz: You're like Ted Kennedy!

Angelides: Your uncle-by-marriage?

Schwarz: Yes. He is a veeeener.

Angelides: Dude, you need to learn how to politically insult somebody.

Schwarz: What do you mean?

Angelides: "Hi, I'm Ahnold. I'm going to insult you by calling you a member of my family."

On Romance:

Angelides: Governor, let's talk about your womanizing a bit. Have you not groped women repeatedly in your life?

Schwarz: I did it with both hands. In Austria, that is a sign of affection.

Angelides: I heard a report that you did it with only one.

Schwarz: No, I grab the boobies with one. The buttox, there I use two.

Angelides: You're a married man!

Schwarz: To a Kennedy. See, you're not experienced in politices enough to be governor.

Angelides: You're a f***ing actor with no qualifications! You've been in politics three years! This is my life!

Schwarz: HEIL HITLER!

Angelides: What?

Schwarz: Sorry, it is in my blood. He was a very romantic figure.

Angelides: That makes no sense to me.

Schwarz: I'm a romantic guy.

Angelides: You're about as romantic as a an oversized bunyon.

Schwarz: Who are you to say? What, are you one of those girlie homosexuals?

Angelides: No...

Schwarz: So you're anti-gay?

Angelides: Am not!

Schwarz: Are too!

This exchange continued for 13 minutes until...

Moderator: That's all the time we have. I hope we informed Californians tonight.