California Same Sex Ruling - Death Toll of Marriage?

As many on both sides of the political fence are aware, a few days ago on 5/15/08 the California Supreme court ruled that it is unconstitutional to deny marriage to same sex partners. Predictably the ruling has stirred up a lot of reaction both from those celebrating what they feel is justice and from those who feel the God ordained institution of marriage is about to crumble.

I have heard many comments by Christians and political conservatives indicating the terrible woe that is falling on the sanctity of marriage. Their response is passionate and direct. "God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" jousts one banner. Others make comments like "The very fabric of our society is being ripped apart. The foundations of society, the home, is being destroyed by allowing same sex marriage."

Predictably conservatives are responding by attempting to create a legal and political mandate to stop anyone other than one man and one woman from marrying. The San Francisco Chronicle reports in an article dated 5/16/08 "... conservative religious groups have submitted more than 1.1 million signatures on petitions for an initiative that would enshrine the ban on same-sex marriage as a state constitutional amendment. That ban was first put in place as a law by the Legislature in 1977 and was reaffirmed by voters in 2000 as a ballot initiative." If passed it would over rule the California Supreme courts recent decision. Clearly the political machinery on both sides is gearing up for the fight.

As a Christian and a counselor I find the situation more complex than just a political issue. I agree marriage is in trouble. Our families are terribly broken and dysfunctional. On a daily basis I work with the results of broken families and the hurt they cause. However, at first glance the statistics are baffling. We see the results of destroyed relationships all around but actually the rate of divorce is going down despite the push for same sex marriage. Divorce Magazine dot com reports "The divorce rate in 2005 (per 1,000 people) was 3.6 -- the lowest rate since 1970, and down from 4.2 in 2000 and from 4.7 in 1990. (The peak was at 5.3 in 1981, according to the Associated Press.)" (http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsus.shtml copied 5/29/08)

Fewer divorces? That seems to fly in the face of so many leaders telling us divorce is epidemic. Does that mean the marriage institution is actually becoming more successful despite political and moral fights? Are the problems in marriages overrated and exaggerated? Sadly, I think I see another answer in the broader statistics. Divorce Magazine Dot Com reports. "The marriage rate in 2005 (per 1,000) was 7.5, down from 7.8 the previous year...despite a total population increase of 2.9 million over the same period." Additionally, "8.1% of coupled households consist of unmarried heterosexual partners, according to The State of Our Unions 2005, a report issued by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. The same study said that only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents -- the lowest figure in the Western world." (http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsus.shtml copied 5/29/08)
There it is. It is not that we are getting more successful at marriage; it is that fewer of us are trying. We are simply not getting married so when we separate there is no divorce. Marriage, as an institution, is suffering, not because of legal and political battles over the legal use of the word marriage, but because more and more of us are deciding not to make the commitment. We have watched our parents' marriages fall apart or exist as an unending ritual in mutually inflicted torture. We are increasingly opting out of what we have often experienced as a failure waiting to happen or a "success" with a cost to painful to live with.

Personally, I have a vague memory of my brother and I sitting out in the shed talking about our parents and whether or not we wanted them to divorce. We were one of the "lucky" ones. Our parents had no "ex's" and we had lived with both of them our entire lives. But the yelling, the fighting, the silent but oh so real tension made our lives much less than ideal. We never could decide whether we wanted them to divorce or not. We had no idea what life would be like for us if they did. We hated the conflict and anger but feared the unknown results of a divorce. What I did decide was that if marriage were like that, I NEVER wanted to be married. Actually, it was not until I saw my younger brother and his wife together that I saw hope. I saw something between them I actually wanted.

Over time my deep felt need for companionship won out over my fears and I was married at 25. Sadly, I also contributed to the divorce statistics, after doing everything I knew how for 12 years.
While some could criticize me for my choice in divorce, I firmly believe God has and is guiding my soon to be second marriage. I have reflected on my contributions to our problems the first time. I have identified the characteristics I wanted to be different in a new wife. Over and over and over I prayed for God to give me his number 1 first and best choice even if it meant waiting longer than I wanted. I determined not to settle for ANYTHING less. Now as I am preparing for my fiancée's arrival I am confident this time we will add to the marriage institution. We will add passion, commitment-first to God and second to each other, a promise to tell each other everything even if it hurts, ongoing prayer with and for each other, and determination to work through differences. While all those will increase our odds of success, ultimately it is our willingness to follow Gods leading that will guarantee success. I believe that others watching us will see something they want, something they will look for and work for.

I know that a person can be inspired by others' relationships. I have a couple of friends who have inspired me with their obvious love and passion for each other, their ongoing and consistent positive attitude toward one another, and their magnetic joy at just being together, still. I met them very soon after my divorce, when I was questioning God's trustworthiness, and fearing the kind of relationship I wanted just may not be possible, for me at least. Experiencing their care and support for me, and seeing it expressed even more for each other, gave me hope for my heart's deepest longings. They inspired me to believe a genuinely loving, respectful, passionate, and joyful relationship was possible. They demonstrated how a mutual commitment to God could be a galvanizing force to bond two people at the deepest levels of the heart.

My solution to the marriage crisis? Stop worrying about who gets to use the label, just go out and make your marriage so great others will want what you have. Marriage is incredibly important, it is the relationship Christ used as the model for his relationship with us. A relationship built on commitment, passionate love, forgiveness, respect, a no holds barred decision to do whatever it takes to enjoy our life together. When both spouses make a truly dedicated commitment to God's very best for each other and their marriage, a truly awesome, joyful, strong, and powerfully magnetic relationship is the result!
I think fighting over who gets a license is far less important than what we do with the license we have. When we as Christians give our own marriages the priority they deserve and allow God to build them into beautifully synchronized formula one racing pairs, the light of His self sacrificial love will shine through the relationships best made to present it to the world. The Bible says, "And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me." John 12:33 KJV When we celebrate the differences God designed in men and women instead of fighting over them, when we use them to built a whole that is stronger than the parts, a brilliantly attractive symmetrical relationship will emerge in our marriages. As others observe the beauty, the wholeness, the joy, the strength of such marriages they will ask how they too can have that. Then we will have the greatest opportunity to share God's beautiful plan of true equality in value and worth found in the complimentary differences he deliberately built into us. The glory of the two symmetrical genders blended into the God designed one flesh will illustrate a height of balance and mutual strength simply unavailable to same sex relationships. Rather than verbally blasting insults at those we disagree with or building legal penalties for what some will do despite them, our time and efforts will bring much greater, deeper, more lasting results when others our inspired by God in us, through our truly surrendered God directed marriages.

So as this debate heats up, if you are thinking of fighting for marriage, might I suggest that walking hand in hand down your neighborhood will do more for marriage than walking around a government building holding a placard with an over used slogan. Try scheduling time to make love instead of time to berate a coworker about their immoral political choices. Make true honesty with your spouse a higher priority than your commitment to a Pro marriage political campaign. Making a decision to NEVER let a day go by without finding and telling your spouse something you like about them will do more for marriage than NEVER buying a newspaper favoring same sex marriage.

For those never married or those facing the difficult choice of trying again, prioritize your personal time with God over your time keeping up on the news of gay rights. Make understanding and giving God's immeasurable love to those around and refusing to accept less in a future mate more important than rallying your friends to vote against same sex marriage. Make following God's will for your future relationships a bigger deal in your life than decrying the immorality of yet another movie star.

I am convinced the best thing we can do for marriage is get our own marriages right, really right. Not just a, "We suffered through 50 years of hell, but we're still married!" kind of right, but a "Wow, has it been 50 years? If I could spend another 50 with you, I'd sign up today!" kind of right. If we build strong passionate, Christ centered, respectful, committed life long companionship marriages of the highest most joyful caliber, it will become clear, everything else is less. When the excitement of those gaining the new right to marry dies down, if they see a daily living example of the best love God has to offer between a man and a woman, they might question whether they have the genuine article, even with the certificate. When we as Christians can repeatedly, consistently, faithfully, daily demonstrate such relationships in our personal lives, then there will be no question about what a "real" marriage is regardless of who gets to have a license. And maybe, just maybe the next generation will be much more interested in choosing true marriage rather than something less!!!