California's Warning to Me: You're a Bad Driver

I became obsessed with cars shortly after I turned 11. I had model corvettes, model mustangs (I didn't discriminate), and every car-related magazine I could get my hands on. I was ready to drive at an early age. Unfortunately, I'm not that good at it. I know there's that stereotype of women being horrible drivers and all. I've always fought hard to fight that way of thinking. But, I'm not implying that I'm a horrible driver because I'm a woman. I'm just a horrible driver. I give props to girls like Danica Patrick and the ladies of "Driving Force" because they have been able to master the one thing I've never been able to do well - operating a motorized vehicle.

This was evident at an early age. A good friend of my father lived in California and we were out visiting him on his ranch when I was eight. His son was a year younger than me and he had these ATV's he rode around on the property. Of course, I figured I could ride around on a 4-wheeler just as well as he could. So, I hopped on, and promptly ran into a fence. And not just any fence, it was a freaking horse corral. Coincidentally, my father's friend was visiting us the day I turned sixteen. He didn't exactly agreed with my parents actually buying me a car and allowinme to drive it. He kept repeating "Are you sure about this?"

That was over ten years ago and I now I have to say I agree with his warning. I have received speeding tickets in most all of the states in the southeast - though I call shenanigans on North Carolina's "work zone" speed trap. One lone orange cone does not a "work zone" make. I once asked an officer why my ticket would be so expensive and he said that it's to ensure people won't speed as to keep the highway workers safe. Looking around and seeing only the one cone, I replied with "um, sir, are they wearing invisibility cloaks?" (Don't ever say that to an officer. Just a tip).

In addition to the occasional (less than ten, more than five) traffic citations, I have been in no less than three accidents (well, that I've reported), although I contend that only 1 ½ have truly been my fault. Every car I've ever owned has met the same fate. I've knocked off side-view mirrors (yes, as in more than one), scratched the sides of cars against concrete walls, and backed into anything and everything possible. I've even misaligned my car while playing NASCAR, and I'm sorry to say that even my newest car is started to look like a possible candidate for "Pimp My Ride." Last spring, I scratched the passenger side door in a way I didn't even know was possible (it looks like a gunshot which is cool because it only increases my street cred). I also backed it into a pole and I think maybe a trailer hitch (I'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened to cause that dent).

So it shouldn't have surprised me that today, I received a letter from the California Department of Motor Vehicles that stated the following:

"We understand that you may believe that you are a good driver, and yet your driving record is much worse than the average California driver..."

It then went on to say that I have a choice to be safer driver and that the California DMV hopes I will be responsible and change my careless ways. Good Lord, Sacramento, I'm not street racing here or anything. I don't have drug cartels in my truck. I'm not driving an Eclipse. But I digress to a simple warning to everyone out there. Don't get into my car with me, don't let me drive your car, and most importantly don't let me around any horse corrals.

-Joanna Duff is a freelance writer currently based in San Diego. When she is not writing, she is watching college football, hanging out on the beach, or practicing her parallel parking skills. She failed her driving test the first time she took it because she ran a red light.