Call Me Middle Age Crazy -- One Man's Decent into a Middle Age Crisis

Hitting middle age has been an adjustment for me. I have heard that the middle-age crisis is very difficult, but I never expected it to hit me. Over time I have learned that middle-age craziness is quite real. It also sneaks up on you.

Somewhere along the way, my brain did not process the fact that I was hitting middle age. I looked down one day and realized that my six pack had been switched out for a seven. I am still in pretty great shape for a middle-aged 39-year-old man, and certain parts have remained quite young looking. Father Time crept up on me somewhere between "Cheers" and "American Idol."

Here is a list of physical and mental changes I have undergone since the age of 35.

A total failure to understand why cool is no longer cool -- when I was growing up, if you said something was "cool" this meant that it was a good thing. It now appears that saying something is "cool" may mean that I am almost certainly a huge fan of neon leg warmers and Huey Lewis and The News. If I pair this saying with a peace symbol, then I suddenly become a dated Dad that cannot possibly see past 1970.

Sitting past five minutes in one position means a new pain in a new place -- I hurt in places that I did not even know existed sometimes. I play in a softball league, and after each game I get to soak for hours. Even still, I am in pain.

I have sprouted forty foot hairs in some very odd places. -- Why is this? I do not know but clipping that single hair growing out of my middle aged ear is getting to be a pain.

My already creaky knees can now play a symphony -- I had bad knees long before middle age, but not like this. I am now a one man band using nothing but my joints for instruments.

I snore like a freight train coming into the station -- Again, with the sounds.

I have a sudden and uncontrollable urge to take a nap in the afternoon -- This past season, I actually fell asleep in the middle of the Carolina Panthers football game. What is the deal?

I feel emotions over the stupidest things -- A crying baby, a really good tamale, or even an episode of Oprah's Big Give have all made me...........tear up.

Finally and most troubling of all, I can no longer control the length and volume of my burps. -- On more than one occasion, I have let out belches that have mortified me, as well as those with me. I do not even feel them coming.

All in all, middle age is not so bad. I am still pretty strong, and not ugly yet as far as my wife is concerned. Bring on the forties!