Calling All Men: What Not to Buy Her for Valentine's Day

Most men, when it comes to Valentine's gifts...are clueless. Take my friend "Steve" (I am changing names to protect the guilty here). Last Valentine's Day, his wife "Brenda" mentioned that she'd put on a few extra pounds since the birth of their son, and would really like to get back into an exercise program and see if she couldn't get it off.
Steve took this as a hint, which it wasn't, and off he went with their three children to the local Wal-mart. He allowed their daughter to help him pick out several pairs of colorful exercise shorts and matching spandex tops. The spandex looked little, so he decided to buy an X-Large in everything to make sure it fit. Time out...did I mention that Brenda might weigh 110 pounds soaking wet?

Then it was off to the shoe department where the middle son chose a pair of aerobic trainers. Steve was ecstatic with his choice, because the shoes even had the little colored tabs that Brenda could switch out to match each of her new outfits.

The next stop was sporting goods, where he loaded up a pink rubber Yoga mat, a selection of weights, a jump rope, a fitness ball and a small trampoline. As he started out of the aisle, he saw a set of scales on an end cap that were on sale, and quickly added those to his loot.

"Mommy's going to be so happy with me!" He announced to the baby, who simply gurgled at him as they headed to Electronics. Locating the Fitness DVD's, he found a series of Pilates and Abdominal burners in a nice boxed set, with a full 2 hours of work-outs on each of the 8 disks.

He took the kids to McDonalds and fed them hamburgers and milkshakes, went home and wrapped his gifts. "For once" he thought to himself, "I don't have to worry that I got her the wrong thing."

Ladies, I know that by now, you've probably laughed yourself into hysterics and the guys are still wondering what Steve did wrong.

Number one on the list of things we do not want is:
Exercise equipment, work-out clothing, aerobic shoes, gym memberships, Pilates or any other kind of fitness video or DVD or a year's supply of Weight Watcher's candy bars and Slim Fast Shakes. This implies that we are fat. This will get you into trouble. This will likely, as in Steve's case, get the 10 pound weight dropped on your foot, causing a trip to the Emergency Room.

We will accept a gift certificate from a department store, so that if we want to purchase these items on our own, we can. However, the gift certificate needs to be placed inside a white 3X3 inch box underneath a pair of 14K gold and diamond earrings. Simply placing it inside the first card you've grabbed off the shelf will not do.

When I asked Ruth what the worst present she'd ever received for Valentine's Day she didn't even have to think about it. "A Vacuum Cleaner, and believe it or not, he's still walking and breathing." Allow me to teach a lesson to Larry and the rest of the male species.

Item #2 of things we don't want for Valentine's Day is:
Small Home Appliances-which can include can openers, blenders, toasters, coffee pots, deep fryers or waffle makers. Vacuum cleaners, dust busters, carpet shampooers, mops, brooms and feather dusters are also off limits. These gifts say to your female companion that you think of her in terms of chief cook, housekeeper and bottle-washer.

If we have asked that these items need to be replaced, we will accept a gift card from the department store so that we may purchase these items on our own. However, the gift card needs to be presented inside a red velvet 5X7 inch box underneath the new 18" pearl necklace with matching bracelet. Buying a box of "Be my Valentine" cards and signing all 30 of them with its own special note is sweet and yes, the gift card will fit inside one. But this will not do.

My sister Shelly got the most unusual gift that I think I've ever heard of. Her husband Jason got her a pair of hunting boots. Now, they live in Arkansas, and both love to deer hunt.
However, the only way that this gift is acceptable is if each boot is filled with chocolate kisses, using the candy instead of confetti or tissue paper to disguise the small red velvet boxes in the toe of each rubber boot. One which contains the ruby and diamond ring that we've been admiring for weeks and the other which contains the earrings that go with it. And you should present them to her while holding her hand under the blanket, which you will need when you take her for a horse-drawn carriage ride in the middle of February.

Finally, there's the case of Dennis and Valerie. Valerie loves Billy Ray Cyrus and country music. So, Dennis found a Stuffed Cowboy that sang... "Achy-Breaky Heart". Where do I start? First of all, we're grown women. We don't really want a singing stuffed....well anything! Last year, I saw a hound dog that sang like Elvis, two monkeys that had magnets sewn into their lips and when they met, "Let me call you Sweetheart" began to play, and a giant lavender teddy bear that had a programmable voice chip in it's belly.
The bear would be ok ONLY if its neck and wrist were adorned with diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, or any combination of the four.

Are you getting the picture? Good! I'm so glad I could be of service. Now, will somebody make sure my husband reads this?