Calming Children's Bedtime Fears

"Mommy, there's a monster under my bed." How many times have you heard this at bedtime? I think every parent goes through this stage at one time or another in his or her child's growing years. The idea of going to sleep can awaken many fears in young children. Nightmares usually begin around the age of three and reach their height between the ages of 4 and 5.

Your child doesn't merely choose excuses not to go to bed because she wants to be sociable or a nuisance - it may be that sleep is frightening to a young child because it means separation from the adults upon whom she depends. Your child probably resists going to bed because she doesn't want to be alone. Children often have nightmares, where fears are played out and mastered at night through dreams. Calming children's bedtime fears is an important task for parents - be kind, be gentle, and have patience.

Fears are actually a normal part of a child's development, they only become out of the norm when a child stays preoccupied with the subject that is feared. Little children have simple fears like separation, the dark, the potty, and loud noises. As the child get older, the fears can include imaginary monsters, getting lost and can't find their parents, animals, and bedtime.

Bedtime is an important time for developing good parent-child relationships. It's a time to share things about your day, read stories, and relax together. If you encounter a bedtime problem, address it at this time. Encourage your child to talk about her fears and dreams if she can remember them. Putting feelings and emotions into words makes a child less frightened and more manageable. Don't try to explain in rational grown-up terms, just listen calmly and sympathetically and make sure your child knows that you understand how frightening her dreams are for her and that, no matter what, you will keep her safe.

If your child is afraid of the dark, make sure to place a nightlight in her room so she can see objects and not be afraid of the dark pitched area. Play games with flashlights before bed and shine the light beam on object in the room. Play shadow tag or shine the flashlight on objects like a treasure hunt. The dark may not be such a scary place when you play this game together. Don't be afraid to let your child have a security object like a stuffed animal or pillow - anything that she can take to bed with her. It gives the child a sense of security and helps her stay relaxed. It's very unusual to find a preteen holding a security item - children do grow out of this habit.

Parents can find ideas and rewards that may help in their household to help calm fears and keep bedtime a relaxing time. I personally used to spritz my pillow and my child's pillow with the essential oil of lavender. Lavender is known to help relax the body and promote a good night's sleep. My daughter enjoyed this nighttime ritual. Some children, especially boys, like to be called a brave hero and a reward chart might be a fun project. Give your child a gold star for every good night he has. Praise him for his efforts and bravery.

There are many books written about bedtime and dreaming that you can share with your child. Here are a few of my favorites.

A Child's Good Night Book by Margaret Wise Brown

Good Night Moon by Margaret Wise Brown

Moonlight by Jan Ormerod

Scary Night Visitors: A Story for Children with Bedtime Fears by Irene Wineman Marcus

Bedtime for Frances by Russell Hoban

Close Your Eyes by Jean Marzollo

Monsters in Your Bed...Monsters in Your Head by "Rainey" Lorraine Friedman

Calming children's bedtime fears can be a challenge but with your relaxing help and guidance, it can be done. And by all means, please keep your kids away from scary movies. I'm wishing you and your child many good nights and good dreams!

Sources:

Fears
Children and Bedtime Fears and Nightmares
Parents & Kids Together Everyday by Lisa Lyons Durkin [First Teacher Press, 1991]