Camping is Not for This Country Girl

So, there we were...looking for something fun to do on that beautiful weekend in early March, when my husband, Bobby, made the suggestion that we take our girls on their first camping trip. We have two girls, Elizabeth who is 8 and Emma who just turned 2. Now, I, unlike my husband, grew up in north Louisiana, referred to, as "Sportsman's Paradise" and you would think that I would be up for this kind of an outing, but just to note, my parents NEVER took me camping as a child.

We began to pack and I compiled my usual obsessive, compulsive list of items to take and things to do. (My husband chuckled the entire time, by the way.) We had our brand new tent and poles, the sleeping bags and air mattresses, the ice chest and all the portable grills. The minivan is loaded down and ready to go.

Saturday morning rolled around and we realized that my husband had to work. He is a car salesman, so of course, he works every Saturday. We agree that I will go ahead and take the girls to the lake and set up all the preliminary stuff. He is scheduled to get off at 6:00 p.m. and will join us promptly thereafter. Lake Bistineau...here we come!

THE CAMPSITE: The girls and I drove up to the main gate and are asked to get out of the van, come inside, and pick out a campsite. Now, keep in mind, I've never done this before so I have no idea what to look for in picking a primitive camping area. The park ranger asked me to take a look at the "board" and make a selection. The board consisted of corkboard and push pins on tiny "x's" surrounded by crudely drawn trees and something that resembled a bathroom. I, of course, decided that the best place to be was next to the bathroom, with a potty training two year old and all. Right? Oh, so wrong....

SETTING UP THE CAMPSITE: We drove to the remote location deep in the woods and saw the number of our campsite; #9. And, sure enough, the bathroom was within 5 feet. The ground was covered in straw. There was a concrete picnic table with a large trashcan off to side and a round concrete object filled to the top with dirt right in the middle of area. We got out and looked around. Suddenly, I heard a crash! Emma knocked the ice chest out of the side of the van and the food spilled all over the ground. Elizabeth in the meantime went down to the water and came running back screaming in terror, as I picked up the food. She picked up a stick covered in ants and now decided that she is ready to go home, immediately. I calmed them both down and began to go through all the things that my husband packed in the back of the van. I saw a rake and made the determination that I must need to clear away the straw in order to put the tent in a clean area. Next, I found a small shovel. I had no idea what to do with this as I'd never seen that on any camping movie! I sat it aside and moved on to the tent. I took it out of the box and started reading the directions. After the introductory paragraph, I was confused. It read like some ancient Greek epic, which I was not following. There were seven more steps after that! After reading the stupid thing five more times, I decided to take a break. In the meantime, the girls took it upon themselves to help unload the van. EVERYTHING was all over the campground!

Back to the tent. After seven more times of trying to decipher the directions, I decided to just try it on my own. Elizabeth helped me to spread the tent on the ground. Now, trying to get an 8 year old to help is hilarious in itself. The poles were held together with preformed rope and were easy to put together. It took three tries to figure out which poles went in which holes. Now, trying to stand up a tent that you have no idea of how it should be, is not very fun. Elizabeth helped as best she could until the entire tent collapsed on covered her entire body. Standing there, covered head to toe in a tent, she began to scream and took off running into the woods, dragging the tent behind her. Crying and whaling seemed to be the theme for the day. Then Emma said, "Don't cry Mommy, it will be ok!" After four more attempts of trying to erect the tent, we finally got it to stand up. I managed to get all the mattresses and blankets inside the tent and we took a break.

IT GOT DARK: In March in Louisiana, it still gets dark relatively early. So, at 5:45 and the sun began to set in the distance. The phone rang. Bobby told me that had a customer and was running late. Meanwhile, the girls and I were starving. The only thing I could think of is to light a fire and try to roast some weenies. We gathered some sticks and put them on top of the round concrete dirt pit. After a little straw and more sticks, the fire was a blaze. Unfortunately, I didn't realize the shovel was to dig out the dirt pit, so the wind wouldn't blow out the fire. The dark engulfed us quickly. The girls and I were crying and wanting to go home. Suddenly, we saw there is a dimly light street light by the bathroom that came on. Then just as suddenly, it went off. All night long...on then off, on then off. Didn't really do much good for providing the light we all so desperately desired. Just then, we saw headlights in the distance. It was Daddy!!!! We were saved!

THE LONGEST NIGHT: Once Bobby arrived, he fixed the campfire, strung up lights on the tent thanks to the trusty car battery he brought and made our hot dogs. We ate and were ready for bed. We laid the girls on one mattress and Bobby and I laid on the other. Suddenly, we heard a whistling noise. That's right...both mattresses began to leak air. The ground never felt so hard. Then we noticed the flushing. Every few minutes,

f-l-u-s-h! Other campers began to come up from the woods to use the restroom. The ground was cold and hard, the light flashed on and off and the toilet flushed repeatedly. Not exactly the calm, pristine picture Bobby and I painted for the first camping trip with the girls. We eventually drifted off to sleep.TIME TO GO HOME: The next morning we awoke to the sound of more flushing. We got up and tried to make coffee after gathering the water from the bathroom sink. We made breakfast and quickly decided to pack it in and go home. After we loaded the van with all the camping items, we headed out of the park. On the way, past the ranger's station we noticed a sign stating, "Come again". After reading the sign, we collectively broke the silence with a loud, unison "NO"!