Can Abusive Teasing and Taunting Really Affect Someone for a Lifetime?

That is a question that has been asked countless times over the past several days after the terrible tragedy that occurred at Virginia Tech. It is not the first time this has happened and, unfortunately, it will probably not be the last. What can possibly cause a person to act out in such a heinous way? Violence is unacceptable and though there are speculations as to why it occurs, it is never an answer, no matter how badly one was treated as a child.

But the situation has, again, brought up the topic of bullying and being picked on as a child or young person. Why most victims of bullying go on to be normal adults (albeit with deep issues, sometimes) and others snap and kill many innocent people is a question that cannot always be answered completely. It all lies in how much a person can take and their mental stability in the beginning. Bullying and being picked on is a serious problem. And, like poison, its damage is caused by a cumulative effect after years of being mistreated by one's peers.

My husband and I were both children who were picked on a great deal. We have discussed it at length and the ramifications of it are still alive and well in our lives on a daily basis. It is not something that we think about each day and certainly not something that we use as a crutch or excuse, but it has clearly affected our personalities in many different ways. As young adults, we tended to lack self-esteem and were always seeking the approval of others. With the passage of time, we now have become more aggressive and stronger in our everyday lives with a very low tolerance for teasing (even if it is all in good fun).

When I was a child I was continually picked on and teased over just about every aspect of who I was: my name, my body, and my clothes (to name a few). Very little was done about it back then and the teacher's answer in most cases was to simply "suck it up and deal with it." But having this occur, day after day, changes who you are and how you react to life. Did my classmates understand this at the time? No, they had no way of understanding or fathoming the impact they were making on my personality. That is why it is so important for parents and teachers to pay attention and recognize when this is occurring and immediately take steps to stop it.

I can recall a time in the third grade when someone decided it would be funny to pretend that I had "germs." This doesn't sound overly harmful, but even as a 34-year-old woman I can still recall the isolation and sadness it brought to me. Classmates, even friends, would pretend to spray themselves or their possessions with Lysol if I made contact with them. This was not a one-time occurrence, but something that had happened repeatedly over a period of time. And I cannot tell you how many times I was called "Alice in Wonderland" over the years. Even today, if someone says that to me I feel an overwhelming anger inside and usually react negatively.

As parents, especially, it is imperative to teach our children to be sensitive to others' feelings. Too many times teasing is overlooked and disregarded as a normal childhood behavior and nothing is done about it. It is my observation that many of the worst offenders in the schoolyard have parents who did the exact same thing and do not see the harm in it. In those cases, it is the teachers and administration that need to step up to the plate and correct the problem immediately.

Some may ask, "Why is this all so important?" The answer lies in how it affects the victim for a lifetime. Adults who have been abusively teased as children are oftentimes unsure of their own abilities and lack crucial self-confidence. This can negatively impact their grades in college and their performance on the job. All of this usually lasts for a while until the person recognizes what is causing their issues and they try to overcompensate. This ends up causing a low tolerance for others' teasing, aggression, and chronic depression. Repeated bullying as a child can leave an indelible mark on a person's entire being as an adult.

Just a few days ago, I had a dream that I was a teacher at a grade school. I looked around the classroom and discovered that the children in my class were former classmates of mine. They were all small and the way they looked when we were in grade school. The entire dream revolved around how I could punish the ones I knew had been mean to me and reward the children who had been good to me. It was an amazing insight into how these memories still affect my psyche.

There is never an excuse for someone to kill another person or commit a large-scale massacre. No one in his or her right mind would do this and see it as an answer to their issues. The problem is, we don't know what's inside of someone's mind to begin with, even under the best of circumstances. But try to imagine how a child who is not mentally stable to begin with could possibly react after years of abusive taunting. It is little wonder why these tragedies occur from time to time. Would he have done it if he had not been picked on as a child? We have no way of ever knowing. One thing I can say without hesitation is that a childhood free of being picked on relentlessly can only be viewed as a positive.

If you are the parent of a child who is being picked on, it is not always readily recognizable. Many times your child will internalize their feelings because they are ashamed. Be sure to communicate often with your children and ask them specific questions about their daily interactions with others at school. Be particularly astute if your child is overweight, wears glasses, or has anything else that can be zeroed in on and used as a reason to taunt them. Be proactive in contacting the school and do not rest until the abuse has ended.

On the other hand, if your child has been identified as an abuser, you must never encourage or dismiss their behavior. It may seem petty or unimportant, but the cumulative effect of abusive teasing can be devastating. Be aware of how your child treats others and have a zero tolerance for being mean to others. Like most other problems, prevention is the best answer to this. From a young age, teach your children to respect others' differences and to never be a party to teasing.

Will all of this prevent something of the magnitude of Columbine or Virginia Tech? No one knows. One thing can be said with certainty: it cannot hurt. Start early and make respecting other people a priority in your household.