Can Couples Therapy Really Fix Your Relationship?

After recounting a particularly uneventful day, a husband recently said to me that, "Today was a good day to be married."

There was nothing "amazing" about the time he and his wife had spent together. There was no romantic interlude or grand gesture from either of them. They had simply chatted on the phone, shared a quick lunch, and after a long commute, found comfort rather than conflict when they return home. They were experiencing the joy that can come by simply being together; connected emotionally, and attentive to each other's needs.

Unfortunately, as relationships grow, intimacy can fade and conflicts arise. Couples can struggle with perpetual issues of disagreement, stop communicating clearly, and find that their emotional needs are no longer being met. For some couples this is the end of the road, the challenges have become too great and they walk away. But for other couples, when the distress reaches the breaking point, they look to couples therapy for help. But can a therapist really help put a relationship back together? Can some stranger listen to your problems and actually turn things around? The answer is yes, but only if you and your partner are willing to work at it.

There are many factors that impact the success of couple's therapy but two of the most critical are the couple's commitment to change and the relationship they have with their therapist. A therapist who is trained to work with relationships not just individuals is usual the best choice when looking for a couple's counselor. Couples counseling is not the same as doing individual therapy with two people. It is a specialized kind of work that requires a therapist to focus on the relationship and interaction rather than just the individual personalities in the room.

However, having the "right" credentials is not enough to guarantee success. Effective therapy, of any kind, requires clients to be honest and vulnerable. While you are not always going to like what your therapist may suggest, it is important to feel mutual respect and a good rapport. From time to time one person may feel closer or more understood by the therapist but in the end both partners should always feel that the person working with them is committed to helping your relationship, not just each individual. This will be the foundation for the hard work of change.

In addition to feeling your therapist's commitment to improving your relationship, the couple must be equally dedicated to the process. Just as it is in your relationship, therapy is only successful if each partner is committed to working at it, even in the difficult times. The distress you feel in your relationship can only be dealt with by facing it head on and that is often an uncomfortable experience. However with the commitment of everyone involved in these challenging moments can lead to positive changes. A clear vision of the relationship you want to create together and the dedication of each partner to do the work required to reach that goal, are powerful tools.

Couples therapy will not magically end every argument in your relationship. Nor will it make your spouse consistently meet your every expectation but it can help you learn to face the inevitable challenges of life together and find ways to make every day a good day to be married.