Can I Give Up Now?: Insights

How much pain and suffering should a human go through before they can give up? I ask this question because I am ready to give up right now. I do not know how to remain part of a world that seems to be caring less and less for humanity, wildlife and environmental issues. I just want to end my existence.

Many would say that I was crazy and that ending my life would be a sin. And, although suicide has been attempted in the past, I feel even more propelled to stop my pain and suffering now than I ever did before. I thought that I would grow to be stronger and have the ability to create a decent life for myself but, that is not the case.

I didn't give up when I realized my father wanted nothing to do with me. I didn't give up when I was left by the father of my daughter. I didn't give up when I was sexually molested. I didn't give up when I was physically beaten. I struggled through all of these events and managed to vision something more for the future. But, the future is now the present. My vision is blurred by more disappointment and my hope has faded.

I always tried to think of myself as a good woman and did my best to take care of those important in my life. But where did it get me? Was there ever a real purpose for me in this world or was I created as a target for society to aim its weapons toward? Am I destined to fall into the realm of a statistic of failure? Do I have any more reasons to fight?

Some may say that life is a precious thing and should not be taken advantage of, and they could possibly be right. But, for me, life has been nothing but turmoil and has leaded me down a pathway to destruction. The world around me is cruel and unfair. The population keeps rising right along with the food shortages. More humans are becoming homeless while more and more homes remain empty. The natural habitats become cleared acres and the wildlife becomes extinct. And, the rich are still getting richer due to the demise of society. What is there left to live for?

Yes, I have my daughter, and she means everything to me, but what good am I to her if I am a failure? Yes, I have my mother, and she has been a pillar of strength, but what good am I to her if I have nothing to offer? They have both survived and will continue to survive whether I am alive or not. I figure they will soon forget me and move on with their lives. I am not a person they can be proud of so why remain a disappointment to them?

I am nothing more than a 46-year-old unemployed woman. I am unable to retain my home. I am unable to care for my disabled husband. I am unable to care for grandchildren or a sick parent. I am unable to contribute to society, so why do I need to be here? Can I give up now? Will the loss of my meaningless life make any difference at all? Why should I have to go on feeling inadequate and useless?

Nothing I have done has amounted to anything up to this point, so why should I be made to believe that things will change? Things never change. The saying "Once a loser, always a loser" fits me perfectly. My education has not made a difference. My work ethic means nothing. My caring personality and love of human nature has gotten me nowhere. My life is a waste of the air I breathe, so can I give up now?