Can I Go to Sleep Now?

Yes, I realise I'm telling you this just when you've made a fortune in the run-up to Christmas, but you should have been selling coffee. That's where the real money's at.

Did you know Starbucks opens four new outlets somewhere in the world every working day?

That probably surprises you.

Every working day.

Of course, if you only work part-time it's not so surprising.

And if you don't work at all it's not the least bit surprising; nor interesting. You couldn't afford to drink coffee there anyway.

I only mention this because I'm exhausted through all the shows I've just done, and coffee is said to keep you awake. I tried it leading up to Christmas and it didn't help.

It also probably doesn't help that I hate December. Why can't they have Christmas another month when I'm not so busy?

Three weeks booked solid. Sometimes I can't even remember which day it is. It's bad enough that I have to do lots of Christmas shows, but there's the nurseries, too, and kids are still having birthdays! In December!

Take it from one whose birthday is on New Year's Eve, December is not the time to have a birthday. People give you one present and tell you it's for Christmas and your birthday combined. One lousy present for both! It's Jesus I feel sorry for, he was born right on Christmas Day. I bet he only got the one present, too.

I lie awake at night worrying I'm going to turn up the next day with the wrong show. What would I do with a birthday card trick at a Christmas party? Tell them it's Jesus' birthday and the card's for him?

I'm so tired when I wake up I feel sure this time I'll fall asleep during my show, instead of the audience.

That's why I decided to turn to coffee.

People often drink coffee to help them stay awake. The next day, of course, they're tired because they stayed awake the day before. So they drink coffee. Otherwise they'd fall asleep at work. And the next day, they're even more tired because, for the last two days they've drunk coffee to help them stay awake.

So what do they do?

Drink coffee. Right!

I tell you, we're in the wrong business.

No wonder Starbucks is opening four new stores every working day.