Can I Help? Being There for Your Friend with Fertility Problems

I know that I thought that when we were ready to start trying for a baby that it would just happen. For those of us that had to try for any amount of time, it can seem like an eternity. Month after month you get your hopes up and then when you find that even more time has gone by without a positive pregnancy test, you feel so deflated, frustrated, and down. This isn't the way it's supposed to happen! Mother Nautre is supposed to work with you, your body is meant to carry a baby and give birth. So why does it seem so hard these days?

I feel lucky that it only took us six months to conceive, but even to me that seemed like an eternity. I have friends at all ends of the spectrum--some that didn't even know they were pregnant until the second trimester and some that have been struggling for years to conceive. My heart goes out to the friends that struggle, and I have found myself wondering how to be a good friend in such a situation. A baby is life's greatest joy and everybody that wants this little miracle should be able to have that--you just can't possibly imagine why anyone would be deprived. Fertility problems are nothing new, but they sure seem to be more prevalent in today's society. Every time I turn around I feel like I'm hearing of another friend that's struggling to have a baby, it's a sad state of affairs.

When I was trying to conceive, it was easy to be there for my friends that struggled. Though I was a novice with the whole month to month battle, I could share at least a little bit in their emotional rollercoaster. We would share stories and even await the results at the end of the month together. I consider myself a good friend and I tried to counsel these friends, if nothing else just to be a good listener. Sometimes venting is what an individual in this situation needs, and the best thing you can do is let them talk or scream or cry.

When I got pregnant and particularly when I had the baby, I felt this strange drift. It's not that I didn't understand, I really did. I remember even having a hard time when I was trying, I felt as though I was surrounded by pregnant women and new babies--most of which weren't planned for. So I could completely understand where my friends were coming from, but I somehow wanted to make it better. I have learned that you still have to be yourself. I tried to overcompensate for the fact that I was lucky enough to have a baby and I knew that's what they ultimately wanted. I couldn't hide my joy, keep my "baby talk" to a minimum.

Whatever your friendship was based on before is an important thing to focus on to keep things the way they were. Not only being yourself, but doing some of the things you used to do together is key. If you used to go for coffee, or go shopping, or even grab a drink then try to do those things together. See if you can get a sitter (or if daddy can watch the little one) and take some time out to meet them to keep things as normal as possible.

From time to time, let them know that you're there for them. Don't overdo it as it looks forced and for awhile it may be tough for them to talk about with you--accept and understand that. Just try to be as normal as you can, don't avoid the situation. I tried to make an effort not to talk about my daughter, and that didn't work. Not only was I not talking about the most important part of my life, but it was obvious that I was avoiding it for my friend. That just makes things worse, so just be yourself and keep talk of the baby to the basics. Above all, just be yourself and be there for your friend--your friendship will survive!