Can Mom Alone Raise Her Son to Be a Man?

As parents we all have our ups and downs. We all have those moments where we just want to pull our hair out or just break down crying in the middle of the floor. But then there's the problem of what message will that give to our children? I've been a single parent for 9 long years. In the beginning I had help from my mom, but not too much from the man who fathered my child.

I have two daughters, but I want to focus on my son in this particular article. When I first became pregnant when it came to what the sex of my first child would be, I always wanted it to be a boy. I figured if I ever had more children, my son would be the 'protector' of his younger sibling(s). When he was about 2 years old I noticed some behavior problems that I didn't feel were normal at the time, but just attributed them to "the terrible twos". It seemed as if he would do certain things at the day care just to see what would happen; but I blamed that on him "just being a boy". After he was around three or so, I would pick him up from day care and they would tell me how he would touch the workers' butts and say things like "You got a big booty." Of course I chastised him and told him that was not nice and that was not something he should be doing.

I'm not going to go through every age up until now, but it was early on that I noticed that his behavior was slowly getting worse. At age five his behavioral problems got so bad that I took him to see a doctor and he was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and something I had never heard of before, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). He was placed on medication and gradually his behavior began to improve. Even now, at age nine he takes his medicine daily and he's fine when he's at school (and summer camp now that school is out). But when he doesn't take it, it's as if he is a totally different person. He doesn't behave badly or act out at home; the problem is mostly when he's at school.

I said all that to say this, its hard being a single parent to a boy child. I sometimes question certain things I do and don't do with him. I talk to him regularly and we do things together every now and then; but I do question whether or not if his father's being a more active roll in his life would have some effect on how he behaves. All three of my children are from this same man, but he only seems to want to spend time with our son. But this time that he wants to spend with him is very minimal. He's more on the 'I'll spend time with him when it's convenient for me' tip. And it's not something he has to say verbally, it's the way he's not consistent with it.

I just don't get it. I don't understand how some fathers can live in the same city/town with their children and not see them everyday; or at least on a regular basis, even if it's every weekend. I tell him all the time that it's not the quantity of what you do; it's the quality of it. When he was working, he paid child support, since he's not been working, that's his excuse: "I don't have a job, how am I supposed to buy stuff for them without a job?" Or he'll say something like, "You know when I was working I bought them..." But for me, as a child growing up, I don't recall what my father bought for me for my birthday, or on Christmas, all I remember was that he wasn't there for me. (I guess I mainly don't remember the gifts he bought me because he never bought me any seeing that I didn't meet the man until I was a teenager.) That's what I try to explain to him as well. I don't care what you buy, or how much money you spend, the quality time you spend with your child will be far more valuable to him than anything you can ever purchase. But I really don't think he gets that.

**Men: Be fathers to your sons; and not only to them but to your daughters as well. They all need you. A mother can only teach her son so much, but in my opinion, she can't teach him how to be a man. And furthermore, neither can you if you aren't living the life of a man yourself. Own up to your responsibilities and do the right thing..**

(This is not directed at all men because I know plenty of them who are doing the right thing when it comes to their responsibilities as fathers.)