Can You Have an Open Marriage or is the Marriage Open Because it Does Not Really Exist?

Okay I was going to post this response to a question about Monique's open marriage to a message board but decided to keep it for myself! But in all seriousness though I just do not see how an open marriage could ever work. To me an open marriage is sort of like a pre-nuptial agreement, it is a way to cross your fingers before going into a full blown marriage. Everything should be fair game with an open marriage. If you agree to the terms your partner is proposing to you one has to keep in mind that there is that possibility that you or your partner could fall in love with someone else and that the relationship falls apart. People see an open marriage as a way to circumvent the inconveniences of infidelity, but I don't think that is the end result. If you tell your partner that you are going to do something it takes away the need to do it. I would be thinking about the fact that I told my wife that I was going to do something and I could not go through with it. Technically she says that she is okay with it, but then you can't do it. If you see someone and you are infatuated with them and aroused by that other person the idea of being open with it to someone else ruins everything. I just can't see how that would strengthen anyone's relationship I would think that it would ruin both the relationship of the one that is supposed to be your spouse and the person you are out there with.

The only way it would work is if you two agreed to do what you are going to do, but then you do not want to know what the other person is up to, you do not want the intimate details about it. Even then you still have your spouse on your mind. When infidelity becomes a part of a relationship because someone refuses to leave that is one thing, but going into a relationship stating that it is okay to cheat is something completely different. How do you know that he/she is not going to fall for anyone else? Your own relationship with your spouse may only be as strong as your sexual relationship is with your partner, and it may take a open marriage for some people to realize that. I guess it could work if two people were really good friends and their relationship was a lot deeper than their relationships with the people they step out with but I fear that the average couple that tries this is going to realize that is not the case.

Would you have enough energy for your partner after going at it with someone else? Can you honestly and realistically say that the attraction is the same; it is one thing to be into someone else but still keep your attraction for your spouse when you aren't sleeping with that other person, but once you have done that can you still say that your attraction for your spouse is the same? I am not going to judge Monique because I am not sure what brought her to this decision. But I cannot lie and say that I do not wonder how long that relationship can survive in that state either. I could never take advantage of such an arrangement because that takes a lot of the fun out of it; I don't want to have to obsess over whether or not my partner was truly okay with it, or if they just said that because they knew that was what I wanted to do or if they just said that because they want to do something themselves. Plus I do not know about anyone else and their relationship but I want my spouse to be jealous I want to know that they are into me and I would expect the drama that comes with having found out that I was out there if there isn't any that just does not feel like a real relationship to me. If you are completely okay with it perhaps you do not love me as much.

Another reservation I would have about an open marriage is exactly what it is we are being open about. It is one thing to be open about having sex with someone but who wants to know that their spouse is emotionally involved with someone else? It is one thing to assume that your spouse is emotionally entangled because they are having sex outside of the relationship but quite another for them to be open to you about it. If my wife tells me that she is in love with someone else I don't know that I could hang around and I would not expect her to hang around if I were to tell her that either. Hypothetically, if I had never gotten married to my wife and I was with another woman and she approached me with the idea I don't know how I would respond to it. It is one thing to be with someone knowing that she is with other guys when you are trying to get to know her but there is an expectation that the relationship will inevitably change and that you are the only person she is with. So you propose to this woman, and she says that she is okay with it but she would like to be able to see other people, how would you respond?

Someone is always having an emotional affair, but does anyone want to know that their spouse thinks they may be falling for someone else? Is this a bombshell that you find a mutual place among strangers out in the open to tell someone, as you would if you had gotten pregnant or perhaps you want to tell someone that you have a sexually transmitted disease; I am curious. My final concern, would be that what started off as a mutual agreement to see other people would devolve into the catalyst for a complete exploration of one's self as a sexual being where all inhibitions were lost. Can you stay in a relationship with someone when this happens? Can you stay in such a situation with someone when you are there to see it for yourself and a participant in these activities?

An open marriage could be as simple as a commitment to follow one's heart and curiosity wherever it may lead them or a way of recognizing that the possibility to be with someone else, in any capacity, may present itself in the future. Marriages will have their obstacles, and having an open marriage does not clear those obstacles for you, though it does change the way in which you respond to them. Can you honestly say that you are still in love with your spouse if you are able to have an interaction with someone else free of guilt and shame? Is the open marriage a means by which we can intellectualize and compartmentalize our emotions; if so then what else are we micromanaging? Love is a choice; I need to have consequences for my actions, I crave the discipline. It reminds me of a child whose parent wants to be their best friend and treats them like a peer; there comes a time in that child's life when they do not want to befriend their parents, they want an authoritarian figure that discourages them from making bad decisions. Women do not want to come across as being the authoritarian figure, and want men to be in their life so they allow men to do what they want to do. They give men the freedom to sleep with other women in their life, they feel that if they tell them what they can and cannot do the man will not stay around. Too often a man sleeps with a woman early on in the game and does not have any reason to continue to stay with her because they do not know anything about this woman. They aren't friends, they aren't companions, they aren't anything but two people who gave into lust. Making a man wait months or years for sex is not going to create a relationship, but getting to know him outside of the bedroom will. However long it takes for you to get to know each other is not any of our business, but you should know something about him before you sleep with him and men should of the women they lay down with as well.

When you respect someone's friendship you are not going to do anything to violate that trust. Some friendships you are not able to hold onto and you need to let them go but others can still be saved. Your man may go through that adolescent stage in the relationship and wonder if you really love him, if you are just weak, or if you are codependent and someone that needs to have someone in your life because you are lonely. Relationships change with time, an open marriage today may result in a closed relationship tomorrow. However freedom of choice can often result in an individual feeling overwhelmed and they will crave that relationship with someone that will make those choices for them. This is the reason why people continue to watch the same handful of network television stations, why people buy from the same handful of designers and everyone still wants to live in the same handful of cities. Some people do not have the maturity to be out there with whomever would have them; others have that maturity but they just do not want to think about it if they do not have to.

Monique is like an open source advocate, and I want to stick with either Mac OS or Microsoft Windows; sure I could sleep with other women if I want to and I like to try out distributions of Linux but I do not want to actually learn the nuances of a woman all over again. Ladies that man wants to sleep with you but he isn't interested in your drama because he has drama back home and quite honestly how long do you expect to keep your own mouth shut and stick it out on the sidelines when you could be a full participant in the game? Some of these women do not have a real relationship with anyone it is always the guy who some other women gave their stamp of approval to by being with them in a long term relationship. I know how it works, everything is okay in the beginning because the woman is giving you the best sex of your life but it is a matter of time before you are locked in and you two are watching romantic movies together and you two have to find the time and energy to be with each other in that special way. Someone else can be a programmer, systems administrator or a power user I just like to turn on the computer and use YouTube, Facebook and Twitter that works for me and I am okay with that. You may think that is all he or she is doing with other people but they may be rebuilding a computer placing parts onto a motherboard without you even knowing it and anyone with any common sense would not admit to doing so regardless of how "open" the relationship is supposed to be ...