Can This Relationship Be Saved?

In the course of a relationship there naturally are times when closeness waxes and wanes. Even in the beginning of a marriage, a difference may be noted between closeness and behaviors then versus before marriage.

So when does the change signal a need for attention and work; and when does the change signal the end? At what point do we put in more work; and at what point do we walk away?

Selflessness is Paramount

I have read much in regards to relationships being salvageable if both parties will become unselfish and put the other first. I have read much in regards to there truly being few 'justifiable' reasons for divorce.

As naturally flawed human beings, are we truly capable of living and adequately applying this standard? How many of us truly can become selfless enough to save a relationship that is in serious trouble? How many of us truly can become selfless enough to even create a relationship which can survive all that is thrown at it, and us, as a couple?

It Takes Two

And what of the concept of 'it takes two'? One person does not a relationship make, and no one can change another person. We can only change ourselves. Therefore, if only one person is making the changes and making the sacrifices, and the other is not: is that enough to save a relationship? Or will the relationship still fail because it was only one person caring enough to try? My experience and the experience of those around me is that one person cannot save a relationship. But, we could be wrong. We could have failed at some point and on some level to change ourselves enough; to change our expectations enough; to be patient enough; to be loving enough; etc. Does anyone really know the answer?

Love is the Answer

I hear that Love is the answer, and I want with every fiber of my being to believe that. But, I know that most do not truly understand what real love is, and even fewer seem to be truly capable of it. Does this mean we are doomed to failure from the start? Is it a hopeless cause to even attempt to have a healthy, happy, and long-term relationship? Many years together does not a happy and healthy union make.

I have known multiple couples that stayed together for 30-50 years out of duty. They lived in misery and it showed. Is that what the future holds for anyone deeply committed to making a relationship work? The strong potential of a lifetime of torture in order to say they had a long-term union?

Baggage

What of those carrying baggage from their upbringing, previous relationships, or both? Most people come with baggage, and few have whittled it down to one piece of carry-on. Far too many continually bring with them cargo ships filled with steamer trunks; oblivious to the fact it is not healthy, and to the damage it creates in their relationships. When things don't work out, another steamer trunk is acquired, the now 'ex' is blamed, and they continue along on their cruise through life always seeking happiness but never really finding it.

How do you mix and match your baggage with theirs, and how do you get your own baggage down to carry on, only? Can a relationship survive if both people recognize their baggage and support one another in the process of emptying the excess?

Happiness Comes from Within

While it is true that happiness comes from within, it is equally true that we can do much to affect others around us. When we are selfish, proud, vain, critical, hostile, blaming, and cold, we make ourselves unpleasant to be around. We hurt those who love us with our faults, and when we are in denial about our faults, the problems become compounded by our own lack of understanding. Too readily we look to fault the other, and take on the role of misunderstood victim in it all. If we continually find ourselves having the same problem over and over with multiple people, shouldn't that be a clue to us that we are the problem or we are the one with the problem? Too much pride can make us so blind that even this we cannot see.

The Art of Love and War

There is a saying that all is fair in love and war. I truly despise that saying. It implies there is license to say and do anything in order to 'win'. Love is never about winning. In fact, real love is selfless to the point of sacrificing 'wins' for the benefit of the other and the relationship. Love looks at the relationship and the other person through eyes of tender mercy and compassion. Love seeks to please, serve, and cherish. Love thinks not of self, but of the true welfare of the other. Love is humble and kind.

Winning is about self and glory. There is no room in winning for thoughts of the other. Even 'sportsman-like conduct' is about how ones behavior makes one look.

When relationships are treated like a battle that needs to be won; when people are treated as kingdoms to be conquered and dominated; is there truly any hope of health and happiness there? Unless the one seeking the win recognizes what they are doing and changes it, I honestly don't see how any measure of success can be truly claimed.

The Deadly Sin of Pride

I genuinely believe that the sin of pride is the most damaging to relationships of all the 7 Deadly Sins. Pride can be displayed in so many ways, but the root of it is always selfishness. No relationship can truly succeed and last where selfishness runs rampant.

A Living, Growing Entity

Love is a living, growing entity; as is a relationship. It requires flexibility in order to handle the curves life throws at us; and it requires continual nurturing. Loving and being in love is simply not enough. Work and sacrifice are the order of the day. Resting on our laurels and glorying in the fact we have love will not suffice for long. Left untended, the love and the relationship will die.

The Time to Prepare is Now

The time to prepare for a healthy, long-term relationship is not when we are in one or believe we may have found the right person for us. The time to prepare is while we are single. The more prepared we are, the easier it is for us to not only attract another healthy person, but the better our odds are of making it work right from the start.

When we get our ducks in a row ahead of time, we save ourselves and our future partner tons of heartache and needless misunderstandings. When single, we would be best served taking that road to self-discovery and correcting as much as we can of our flaws. We need to learn to look at ourselves honestly, and do our best to improve upon what we find.

Already in a Relationship?

It is not too late to self-evaluate and change, but when another person is involved the process can be slow and painful. Its wonderful if the other person is supportive and patient in the process, but that is not always the case. In our road to self-discovery and change we can easily alienate the other person in our gusto to honestly evaluate and change by putting pressure on them to do the same, or by using what we are learning to try to 'fix' them. It becomes a very delicate balancing act of changing self, and respecting the other enough to allow them to be who they are; allowing them to change when and if they see fit.

When They Really Are Hurting the Relationship

So what do you do when the other person really is hurting the relationship, and it isn't a matter of placing blame on them or just perceiving things wrong? People can and do sabotage relationships and learn destructive behaviors.

You cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself. Look for ways to make changes in how you react or perceive their behavior. Try to gently and kindly communicate with them about it. Love them. Set an example of healthy, functional behavior for them. Be patient. Suggest counseling if the situation warrants it, and attend alone if they refuse to go. You may learn new coping skills, and you may inspire them with your own actions and dedication to making it work.