Can Sex Be Spiritual?

Is sex spiritual? To most people, the only spiritual thing about sex is when they yell "Oh God" during climax. But others believe that sex is a physical opportunity to elevate one's consciousness to a higher, enlightened plane (which gives a whole 'nother meaning to the Mile High Club).

For the purpose of this article, let's reduce sex to its common denominator... which is two. In most cases, one man and one woman. Or in San Francisco, a man and another man. In Lesbos, two women. In Scotland, one man and one sheep. In my teens, me and an electric toothbrush. Sometimes, particularly when the woman wants a nice new car, another woman is included. Or during drunken frat parties, three, four, as many as five horny men may all penetrate the same blow up doll. But for simplicity's sake, let's only consider two beings at a time.

When two people make love, have sex, get it on, have vaginal penetration, hump, copulate, engage in coitus, go all the way, have intercourse, wham bam thank you mam, belly slap, they do so with the ambition for sexual climax. When correctly practiced, these actions lead to orgasms which are hopefully out of this world, hopefully a glimmer of divinity amidst a messed up bed with sticky sheets.

Admit it, in those moments after orgasm, don't you slump off your significant other, breathe deeply, and imagine that this is what it must've been like in the Garden of Eden before Eve wanked off with the carrot from the tree of knowledge, that is, if carrots grew on trees?

To some people, sex is just an animalistic instinct, no different than scratching an itch or adjusting a misaligned jockstrap, although you're allowed to do the latter in public, even encouraged if you're a televised athlete.

Yet to others, the entire sexual act is divine and holy. Well, the underwear is at least.

I have a friend who prefers sex outdoors. The downside is poison ivy, poison oak, and cooch critters that might lead to UTIs. The upside is when she's caught up in the throes of sexual passion, she's as close as you can get to Mother Nature, which she says makes her feel at one with the universe. Personally when I have sex, I don't want anyone's mother there. She should have better things to do, like blowing Father Time.

Then there are certain people who refrain from sex altogether. We call those people Microsoft Technicians but they call themselves Monks, Priests (a select few), and Celibates. Most times they justify their sexless existences with spirituality, believing that their celibacy conserves vital sexual energy which can then be diverted to the spiritual process of contemplation, philosophical study, reflection and meditation. We also call these people nuts. But at least they don't have to stress over late periods and genital warts.

How celibacy results in spiritual enlightenment isn't so hard to figure out. All that pent up sperm starts to swell in the gonads, aching for release. Sometimes it travels entirely up the shaft of the penis, an uphill climb, only to find the door locked shut. So then, they all turn around and slide back down, building up enough pressure to shoot back the way they came, through the testicles and up through the urethra.

By then, those little devils are traveling so fast that they shoot completely through male sex organs, on through the stomach, hitting the lungs, up the windpipe, and in the tiny squeeze of the nasal cavity. It's then that the celibate person in question feels a sudden burst of spiritual enlightenment, as the determined little swimmers plop firmly against their brain matter. At least that's what I think happens. I'm only speculating, though, since it's never happened to me. But then again, I don't have gonads, which must be the key for celibate enlightenment.

The most spiritual thing that's ever happened to me during sex is the epiphany of sharing a great orgasm with someone I love. I know it doesn't sound like much, but we're both willing to put hours worth of foreplay to create a buildup of something wonderfully spiritual in its own right. I may not be seeing God when I climax, but I feel as though He's seeing me...

Which is kind of embarrassing because I'm naked.