Can You Talk About Your Illness Too Much with Your Spouse?

"It feels like I'm lying on thumb tacks," I tell my husband as he crawls into bed beside me. "But there is nothing there! I feel so bruised."

"I'm sorry," he says as sympathetically as he can, but what else can he do?

"Actually, I sort of feel nauseous too," I share. "It's probably just the drugs. I wonder if I should eat something or if that would make it worse. I'm sure it will pass if I can just get to sleep." I look over and he is already starting to snore.

Most of us have a spouse who we would call our dearest friend. If our relationship is a good one, it is natural to want to share what we are experiencing with them. If our relationship is on the bumpy side, we may think that if he could just understand the daily pain we live with a bit better, maybe it would explain our moodiness, and in fact, bring us closer together emotionally.

We don't want to be a burden and share about every ache and pain we experience. What a boring one-sided conversation that would be! But when we are hurting, we have a desire for those who are closest to us to validate our pain. By talking about what invisible pain feels like, it somehow has the ability to make it real . It's not just "in our head."

"Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ," says Galatians 6:2. But at some point we need to carry these burdens to the Lord, and even a close friend, rather than just our spouse.

Although your spouse may not be suffering from a physical ailment, there are still many losses that he is grieving. For example, it is an emotional thing to watch someone you love be in pain and not be able to fix it. He may be suffering as he watches you lose the ability to do things you love. He likely misses the couple outings you once took together when you could do physically active events, whether it was skiing, or just taking long walks together on the beach. He may be frustrated that even his hugs can cause you to wince. Counselors have found that there are three major areas where marriages suffer: money, time and physical intimacy.

Your marriage may be having difficulties in all three, specifically because of the role chronic illness has taken on within your marriage. Is it possible to "share our burdens" with our spouse without overburdening him and making him want to run the other way every time we open our mouth to share another symptom of our ailments?

Be a team with your spouse

Remember that the "team" is you and your spouse up against the illness. The illness is the third party, not your spouse. Yes, you will often feel that your spouse is the spectator in your life as you go through the ups and downs of your illness, but make him a part of fighting this battle with you in a way that he is most comfortable.

Gently educate your spouse on your illness. Allow his presence at doctor's visits and provide answers to his questions about your illness, especially when you are first receiving a diagnosis. If he is not much of a reader, instead of handing him the five books you've read, give him a brochure or find some podcasts that may be helpful for him to listen to. Acknowledge that your roles or responsibilities may be changing. If you are unable to scrub the bathroom tub any longer, don't avoid talking about it while the grime grows in there! Instead, be honest about your limitations and decide together how to accomplish all the tasks or household chores.

Connie Kennemer who lives with multiple sclerosis shares, "I am not as mobile as I used to be and often ask more of my husband. 'Can you work at home this afternoon? Why do you have to go to another meeting?' etc. How much should he accommodate me because my body is changing? He doesn't always know when to stop and encourage me to try things myself. This is a constant challenge."

Have reasonable expectations

It's not uncommon for us to marry someone who has the opposite personality style as we do. You may feel the need to read everything you can get your hands on about your illness and attend all the support group meetings, but your spouse doesn't respond to your diagnosis in the same way. It's not because he doesn't care, he is just responding in a way that is different from your own.

Or perhaps you take things as they come and put off digging up information. You don't want to read about worse case scenarios and lay awake at night wondering if they will come true. But your spouse's response to this may be to actually accuse you of being in denial and not caring about your health because you don't research the illness with the same passion he does. An excellent book to smooth out your communication is "Personality Plus for Couples: Understanding Yourself and the One You Love" by Florence Littauer.

Have information about your illness readily available

Sometimes it can be helpful to have something to read and then discuss rather than just going on and on about what is going through your mind. Whether you want to explain more about your illness or your emotions to your spouse, rather than just whining, have a book ready that describes a related topic, with places bookmarked. Grab it and say, "Here is an example of what we're kind of going through right now. Can I read it?" Then discuss is afterward. Shares Connie, "After ten years of living with MS, I am past the whining stage, but Rex sometimes holds back; that's when I need to ask him more questions about his feelings."

Find ways to share about embarrassing parts of the illness

If your illness is going to cause you to be in the bathroom during eighty percent of the events you attend together, you need to let your spouse know that this is part of the disease. Health organizations have brochures on symptoms. You can say, "I'm dealing with some personal matters of this illness right now; I don't really want to talk about them yet, but they're in this brochure if you're wondering." Avoid sharing every detail if you can.

Look for other ways to vent besides your spouse's shoulder

"I realized that I held onto all of my frustrations of pain during the day and then 'threw' them at my husband as he came in the door," shares Cheryl, who lives with chronic fatigue syndrome. "My actions set the tone for our entire evening and even though I felt better, he felt worse, and it lasted all night. He was beginning to dread coming home at night."

To rectify this Cheryl started to put aside the last couple of hours each day before her spouse came home write in her journal, pray or do something she enjoyed that was calming. "Writing in my journal gave me the chance to express my frustrations; prayer really began to minimize the negativity too. My husband quickly noticed a difference and it's made our relationship so much stronger."

Find some ways to get involved in your community or a special hobby

What else do you have going on in your life, other than your illness? It's easy to be overwhelmed with doctor's appointments and just maintaining our illness, but it can result in a pretty dull life. Even if you have limited energy, do something you've always wanted to do that doesn't have a deadline. Put together memory albums for your grandchildren, clean out just one drawer, find a new craft or hobby, volunteer to be on a prayer chain. Soon you will find that your illness actually is the last thing you want to talk about when you have had such more interesting events in your day.

Conclusion

So, the question remains: how much talk is too much? Unfortunately, there is not a perfect answer that applies to everyone. It's different for each person and each marriage. Learn to be objective. Honestly ask yourself, "How often am I bringing up my illness? How do I benefit from talking about it more often than necessary? Do I need validation? Understanding? Actual physical help with tasks around the house?" If you want attention from your spouse and this seems to be the only way to get it, admit that to yourself! How can you get some of these needs filled by God instead of your spouse? How is it negatively impacting your life, or those around you, by discussing it all the time?

Next, stop and ask yourself "Is there a better, more creative way that I can create intimacy with my spouse, other than just sharing my aches and pains? How can we grow closer together? What activities can we still share?"

And then when you want to share about your pain, send up a prayer to the Lord beforehand: "Lord, I don't want to burden anyone else with something they can't fix, and I really need a hug from you right now. I know how much my spouse cares about me; please give me the wisdom to know when to ask for help and comfort from him/her and when to come only to You and ask you to fulfill all of my emotional needs."

Don't miss other articles and overall support while living with chronic illness or pain visit Rest Ministries and subscribe to fresh content and be entered for our monthly giveaway. Lisa Copen is the director of Rest Ministries, author of "Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend" and founder behind National Invisible chronic illness Awareness Week.