Can We End the Debate? The Rolling Stones Kick the Beatles' Ass!!

Okay, so I've had about, I don't know, maybe close to ten cocktails up to this point. The thing you gotta remember, buddies and bud-girls, is that no matter how much I drink I still realize what's going on. Well, I did black-out that one time in college where I asked Mr. Scott Norris what time it was and he told me, quite unexpectedly, that the time was 6:00 a.m. in the morning. Me, being who I am, asked "Nine-Inch Norris" if he was right. Afterall, Mr. Big Cock and I had a very important date at the Tucson Greyhound Park. For those of you who don't know, the Tucson Greyhound Park, at the time, allowed us "minors" to wager heavily on dogs that ran around chasing a fake bone. The race was two turns and, if I remember correctly, the individuals who did the best were the ones at the front, the "alpha-males" as you call them, full of the sort of shit you only see on Animal Planet - - you know, the sperm that flows out of you like a bottle rocket?

Anyhow, that was the last time I didn't realize what was going on. Tonight, with one eye on the ASU game, they have a chance to make a statement in the BCS Championship race, and the other staring blindly at the races at Retama Park, yes - - that is the best racing tonight - - I've popped in the magical, almost sporadically orgasmic CD that wifey made for me some six or seven years ago.

It's a Stones' CD - - a mix and mash of everything Stonelike and I have to say that, no offense to my father who feels it necessary to keep a portrait of Johnny Lennon above the flat-screen TV- - as if Johnny L. were Secretariat - - I mean, Jesus - - I cannot help but say, once again, that the Rolling Stones would burn the Beatles in a tough-guy throw-down with John Lee Hooker as the judge.

Of course, that's the only throw-down anybody should ever care about, right?

It's very easy, really, since the only real "American" music is blues and jazz and the only real rock-band, outside of those Bluegrass lovelies and - -

Oh, shit - - I just hit the 10^th at Retama. Nice! Horse's name is General Charley - - good times!

Anyhoot, so - - I've popped in the Stones' CD and, yes, I have to say that although I love what Johnny L. sort of did for the world for a moment, that I - - okay, that's a lie.

I wish I could stay in bed for peace - - I mean, who does that shit? Name another person, or persons, in the world who has the audacity to sit in bed and get bed sores for peace? At least Gandhi didn't eat and Ben Kingsley didn't eat - - for a while - - right?

Anyhoot - - the reason I bring this up is because a real close friend of mine, who happens to be a former rapper - - hint - - Hypno from the Spooks - - will put on a Beatles tune once in a while when the two of us are trying to figure out how to get "right" during a hard night at a place called Filmcore in Los Angeles. Yes, that Filmcore. We send out advertising, by the way.

Anyhoot - - is this getting old? I've got to say that it really bothers me when I hear the Beatles. Maybe, because my family is so orientated towards such a flaccid group of men that it bothers me to think that all of the other males who "love" the Beatles are so "ball-less" - - yes, I have made that up although the word has been around some time to describe young men who like to wear women's underwear.

I mean, the God of Music himself, Biddy D. - - that's Bob Dylan to you wannabes - - turned the Beatles onto pot - - and, who knows what else - - and it didn't do much for them.

They still came out with Yellow Submarine. Okay. Cool...

My apologies. I'm a bit distracted. I'm watching Larry Merchant on HBO and he's wearing one of those jackets that you can only find in the Garment District in down-town Los Angeles - - you know? Where Doc Martin might try to play a very cool set once in a while - - if his "Gestapo" wife lets him - - and where that crazy dude, Brandon "With the Tear on His Eye" does just enough for you not to forget him?

Dude, B. Tear, give me a call...

So, I'm on my thirteenth cocktail, but that's okay because drunkenness always wishes good intentions. I've put in a CD from that band Belly, who, honestly, would probably kick the shit out of the Beatles too.

I don't really know who couldn't kick the shit out of the Beatles. The problem, I think, is that the Beatles' music doesn't ever realize - - I mean, ever - - that life can be hard at times.

And, yes, that's a problem. You can hear it in Beethoven's 5^th. You can hear it in everything Biddy D. every wrote. You can hear it in Janis Joplin, being brilliant, but still being alone, her only comfort a bottle of Southern Comfort.

Maybe, that's why I dislike the Beatles. They are an insipid crawl while the Rolling Stones are a rush of heroin out of a tainted needle. Maybe--that's not a good thing. But, guess what? That's life, baby.

Life ain't all roses, man, no matter what Mr. Prozac, Mr. Lexapro, or Mr. Viagra seems to say.

There's a reason that "life is a bitch". If you don't believe me, you haven't read your Aldus Huxley.

Belly would absolutely kill the Beatles. I'm convinced now that I've hard "Seal My Fate" again after ten years.

Yeah. I'm going to finish this CD and then put in Muddy, and then Charlie Patton, and then Charlie Parker, and then The Band, and then Miles, and then Biddy D. - - -

And, then? Well, maybe the bottle will be empty by then.