Can We Heal Our Daughter? Part 1

There are few parenting methods available to a family who wants to help an adoptive child or foster child who has problems with attachment and close relationships. Our oldest daughter, Shawna (her name has been changed), has made us think up creative ways to break down her hardened shell and try to develop a close relationship.

We were the 8^th family for Shawna when she moved to our home at age 7. She had ruined prized antique furniture at one family, she stayed temporarily between moves with an older woman, then she held a knife to the daughter of a single mother who was adopting her. These were signs of reactive attachment disorder. My wife Cindy and I were celebrating our sixth wedding anniversary when the last family called us and asked us to take Shawna. Fortunately, we were already experienced foster parents with our three other children on the adoption track, including our oldest son who was Shawna's brother by birth.

Our Resources
We had a skilled family psychologist, a supportive church community, plus a caring social worker with the agency that licensed us. We were Shawna's last chance to live in a family. She had two failed adoptions on her record and that would mean the "system" was ready to house her indefinitely in a group home.
She arrived Easter weekend and her temper soon flared. When we tried to move her doll or she didn't get her way during play she would fall to the floor, writhe, scream and cry like an infant. We went camping after Shawna had been with us a year and a half. That was the longest she had ever been with any one family. I set up the tent and she arranged the sleeping bags and assigned the spots where each person would sleep. The boys had been playing and when they came back and re-arranged the bags how they would like them, Shawna - kneeling - let out an awful, sustained shriek that I heard from several tents and motorhomes away. We felt she was testing us-would we hold on or would we give up like the others?

Hold on Tightly

Then, through discussions with the current social worker and our family psychologist, we decided on a method to work with her during her tantrums. Her screaming fits would last from one hour to two hours. Each fit happened from two to three times per week. And you couldn't tell what incident was going to trigger the yelling. So we felt like we had to tiptoe around our own house. But if she began screaming, then either my wife or I would place our hands around her and hold her tightly. It was a form of holding therapy. We would hang on to her while she tried to writhe and kick on the ground. I remember holding tightly and we later dubbed the method "riding a bucking bronco." We would quickly close the doors and windows so the neighbors would be less likely to hear. And I would hold on and on, until the screaming subsided. She would lay on the floor, panting and I would feel the exhaustion in my arms and back. Eventually, the tantrums became less frequent and they eventually stopped altogether. I would walk away emotionally drained, but we were making progress in helping her gain an attachment in her life.