Candida and the Bedroom

Of course, "bedroom" is only a euphemism. I'd hope and your partner are making love in any available alley, laundry room, forest, fire escape, and friendly neighbor's bushes. I hoe the best for you all in your erotic adventures. However, I'm going to be the motherly voice of reason, giving you warnings you may squirm about, but which you'll thank me for later.

I'm talking Candida. You may be most familiar with it as the vaginal yeast infection women get, or jock itch, which men become afflicted with. It's much more than that, however, and can exist usually in the intestines at the very least, and often throughout the whole body. The Candida monsters will literally possess you and turn you into one of their minions!

They have their own agenda as a race that is very different from the human one, so we may as well just out and out label them as evil bitches, our enemies, and give them no quarter. Show our independence from them, and forget the codependence they ask of us so enticingly, so sensuously, so invitingly, so seductively, so chocolately. Not fair, of course. But who said taking over the body of a host by a parasite is supposed to be fair. More along the lines of sneaky. Bastards!

One relationship after another is destroyed by this little monsters, in sad, sad ways, so let's see if we can circumvent that trend. Candida is a yeast that turns into a fungus as well, and bores through the walls of the intestines, causing leaky gut syndrome, foggy heads, cravings for pizza, beer, pastries, wine, candy, coffee, mushrooms, pancakes, cookies, rice, potatoes, and even sex with people who have Candida! Candida wants to survive. It's just built in, a survival mechanism, so we can't really blame the darn thing. But it does seem to have its own mind that possesses those it can, without showing any mercy. It's very selfish, and does anything it can to make us crave the foods it wants, the people who can promote more of it in our sexual organs or our tongues, the self destructive feelings that make us susceptible to giving in to those habits we know are wrong for us. Candida is very smart. But we're smarter. Ha HA! We have the Powah!!

The worst part of being with someone who has Candida is that he will become angry if we try to suggest he not eat that Pizza, or that cake. The Candida is talking. You're trying to take away its food, and he'll roar like you're the enemy. And he'll be in a bad mood anyway, because of the Candida, not getting things done, not remembering what you said, not being as attracted to you as usual, or as attractive. And if you catch it from him, you may not want him to see you with your swollen body and pale, puffy face and gas and white tongue. You can't have that little glass of wine or bit of cheese together any more, and have to go on a super strict diet instead to get back in balance, and maybe the bit of wine was important for your relationship. I hope not.

You may be living a Candida free life, eating few carbs, eating raw garlic, maybe taking supplements to keep it under control, avoiding coffee, feeling the beauty of the flat abs, the tight pores, the predictable moods, the craving free life and the feeling of being on top of things. Then, you may meet someone who has Candida, and are suddenly having those famous romantic wine and cracker and cheese parties with lots of kissing with that white coated tongue, lots of sex with that organ that smells somewhat funny, lots of going out for coffee which suddenly sounds good, with sugar and cream, and maybe eventually a croissant, maybe a little jelly, maybe chocolate coating on the croissant, maybe pizza as a midnight snack, maybe an extra bottle of wine just to set the mood. And it's got you. You're in its clutches. Your face is getting even puffier, your body even more swollen, the pores in your face even bigger, the bags under your eyes more noticable. And you want another piece of cake.

Your jeans don't fit, you hide from your lover after you eat, you fart alone, you dream of tables of sweets, your stomach grows larger but you pretend not to care because you're a hedonist now, you make love and get itchy afterwards, but it's OK because you'll sacrifice anything for your new lover, except it doesn't feel as good as before when you make love. You can't sleep because your skin is itching, maybe with tiny little bumps. Especially where sexual contact has occurred. You get a rash between your breasts where his penis has rubbed, or you notice your face looks puffy in the morning and you don't want your lover to see you. You become a child of your cravings. You are no longer in control. Candida is.

It's time to take control, both of you, and go on a low carb diet with supplements that fight Candida. Not that hard, really. You may need to take a little time off from kissing, and sex, from skin contact if you have rashes. But it will be worth it. Have dinners of bitters, greens, proteins, any vegetables that are low in carbs, with lots of oils, fiber, sour, and nothing fermented. Instead of wine, try something else intoxicating, such as incredibly new adventures. Take the money you'd spend on your cravings and use it for high powered anti Candida substances like oil of oregano, olive leaf, caprilic acid, acidophilus, coconut oil, FOS. Watch yourselves get more svelt, more desirous, more happy, more focused, with more energy and verve, with clearer, more vibrant skin, faces that show your true bone structure rather than swelling, and sexual organs that feel good instead of swollen and irritated. Feel your power, and express that in your sexual intimacy, knowing that you aren't codependent with Candida, but are helping each other be the best you can be.