Cannibal Recipes

Preparing human flesh for consumption can be tricky. Knowing what seasonings and methods of cooking can be difficult but with this simple recipe guide you'll be serving your friends and family in no time.

Marinated Leg of In-Laws
When it comes to in-laws, the meat can be tough and wirey. This comes from their illogical perception of you the person who claimed their child. Slapping the flesh while the in-laws are still alive can sometimes help tenderize the meat. Remember Culinary Gurus, fear tenderizes all meat.

Ingredients:
4 legs, two from each in-law
4 cup white wine
12 chopped carrots
4 diced white onions
2 Bay leaves
1/2 cup butter
salt and pepper to taste
grated Parmesan cheese

Directions:
Combine half of the wine, bay leaves, 2 of the onions, and salt and pepper to taste. Slice the leg into pieces the width of a normal steak. Place in glass cake pan and cover with marinade. Refrigerate, covered, for 36 - 48 hours, turning the meat occasionally.

In a large skillet melt butter and add meat. Fry until the meat is golden brown on both sides. Remove meat from the pan and add the remaining onions and carrots and wine. Simmer until vegetables are soft.

Pour vegetables and meat back into cake pan and bake for 2 hours at 375. Serve topped with grated parmesan cheese, salad and wine. Feeds 4-6 people.

Deep Fried Testicles
This dish is a favorite with the ladies. The guys don't care for it so much. It makes a perfect appetizer for baby showers and wedding showers.

Indredients:

8 - 10 ball sacks with testicles intact
1 egg
flour
salt and pepper
oil

Directions:
Dip testicles in egg, drudge through flour and sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste. Heat oil in a frying pan or deep fryer and fry until golden brown. Serve with barbecue sauce or ketchup.

Crock Pot Crack Head Soup
Crack heads can finally be put to good use. What better way to put these people to use than to serve them up at charity dinners. The next time you are planning the Fireman's Ball or some other charity fundraiser, consider adding this recipe to the menu.

Ingredients:
3 freshly skinned and butchered heads from cocaine or crack addicted bums
1 can chicken stock
4 cups chopped carrots
2 cups chopped celery
4 cups peeled, chopped and boiled potatoes.
1 16 oz can tomato juice
2 tbsp. garlic salt
pepper to taste

Directions:
Chop heads into bite size pieces and brown lightly in a skillet. Dump all ingredients into a large crock pot including the browned head pieces. Cook on medium high until vegetables are soft; usually 4 - 6 hours.

Quick and Easy Telemarketer Chili
Telemarketers are known for disrupting dinner with their sales pitches. If you ever manage to get your hands on one, instead of getting up from the table to answer the phone, sink your teeth into one of them with this easy to prepare chili.

Ingredients:
1 to 1 1/2 lbs. ground telemarketer
1 cup chopped onion
1 cup water
1 cube Beef bouillon
2 (8 oz.) cans tomato sauce
2 to 3 (15 1/2 oz.) cans dark red kidney beans
2 teaspoons chili powder
1/4 teaspoon hot red pepper sauce or dry pepper
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon olive oil

Directions:
In large skillet, brown telemarketer with onions and drain off excess grease. Stir in water, bouillon cube and tomato sauce. Add kidney beans to the pot and season with Worcestershire sauce, red pepper, salt and pepper. Bring to boil. Reduce heat, simmer 15 to 20 minutes, and stir occasionally. Serve over tortilla chips with shredded cheese, guacamole, sour cream, black olives and onions.

Disclaimer: These are obviously not real recipes. Please do not attempt to cook real human flesh as it is illegal and disgusting.