Cardboard-Home Makeovers: Decorating in Desperate Times

With the price of gas at $37 a gallon and still rising, unemployment at an all-time high of 88% in the U.S. and fewer Dumpsters being left unlocked to allow you to scavenge a truly well-balanced meal, there is only one thing left to do to relieve your stress: Give your refrigerator box an extreme makeover and improve your life with these simple steps.

Make your box look larger by opening your flaps on sunny days.

When you're not wearing everything you own, creatively drape some of it over the sides of your box to add color and texture.

Anything that isn't edible can be used as insulation to keep the heat out after global warming has taken full effect. Less perspiration = fresher air, making your box much more homey and welcoming after a long hard day of sitting next to it.

Keep your box pest-free. Everything that is edible should be eaten immediately. The scent of food will draw people from miles around, triggering the very real possibility of a refrigerator box trample. Not only is this dangerous, but a flattened refrigerator box is much harder to decorate.

If you haven't used all the wax from your kids' crayons to make candles, use them to draw on the walls. Remember - no political criticisms or four-letter words - you don't want to do anything that might lower the value of your box. Otherwise, go wild. Draw a picture window or some furniture.

Most refrigerator box inhabitants think vertical is beautiful, but you have to admit, it's boring. Take a leap. Go horizontal with your box. Sure, your ceiling will be a little low, but you'll never notice unless you stand up. And, most days, you probably won't have a reason to stand up.

When the nights are cold, (and they might be in areas where the icebergs have just finished melting) invite your more talkative neighbors over. Too much hot air in a small space equals free heat (and free entertainment).

Don't, under any circumstances, rip pieces of your refrigerator box off to use for personal hygiene; not even from inconspicuous areas and not even when you've completely run out of other paper.

By now, you're probably feeling pretty lucky. Maybe you still have a home, a job, food, your health and plenty of toilet paper.

But by next year, if your sense of humor is the only thing that hasn't been foreclosed, emptied, depleted, discounted, repossessed, lost or taxed to death, remember it's the most priceless commodity you own. It won't collapse, rust, or close as long as you use it. It can warm you up, calm you down and keep you sane. It'll never ignore you, cheat on you or divorce you for a younger model. It's completely free. And no one can ever steal it, break it or pull it out from under you. Guard it closely, take it out and exercise it often, and value it most by spreading some of it around every day.