Caregiver Stress: Increasing Frustration with an Elderly Loved One

Much has been written about the dynamics of aging and how adult children at some point emotionally and cognitively start to begin to parent their own parents. This often happens as the Adult Child sees the parent begin to struggle physically or cognitively with managing daily living skills. The start of the process usually happens with small things like beginning to offer to cut the grass for dad or mom or helping out around the house with small repairs. Once the adult child starts to spend a little time at the house he or she begins to realize that maybe mom or dad is not cleaning as well as he or she used to. Food is now expiring in the refrigerator or pills are found in the kitchen laying on the counter or in a drawer. Adult Children often have to start playing detective trying to figure out what is going on and how they can help without making a parent feel inadequate.

And so the stress the starts. Just as it did when a parent was entering the pre-teen years with a child. Wanting to allow that child some independence and yet still wondering is the child okay? Is the child safe when he or she is not around me? What is he or she doing? This same process happens with our elderly loved ones. We want them to be independent but we worry. Why are there pills laying on the counter? Did mom forget to take them? Why does the car have a scratch or dent in it, what happened? Wanting to ask, hoping we will get the truth while trying to respect their independence creates stress.

Adult children who experience the stress take the risk and begin to ask questions. The elderly person will usually like the pre-teen get defensive. Why are you asking? Can't you see I can take care of myself? You are making a big deal out of nothing. I have been taking care of myself for 80 years, who are you to ask me anything? Along with the defensiveness comes the control. Like the pre-teen, the elderly person decides what can be discussed and what is off limits. Acting out behaviors such as anger, not speaking to an adult child, becoming aggressive and even an attempt at throwing out the old...might I remind you you are my child I am not yours...which creates much stress for the adult child trying to caregiver.

As the stress increases in the relationship so do the acting out behaviors. Adult children can relieve some of the stress by allowing outside resources such as doctors and professional caregivers to take the blame or feel the heat. If you take your loved one to the doctor, he or she can be the heavy or the one who tells your parent that driving is no longer something that should be done. A professional caregiving service such as Comfort Keepers can send an individual into the home to help out the tasks that need to be done. This objective person can be seen as a housekeeper or chauffeur and can often be controlled or directed by the elderly person giving him or her a sense of control over life so desperately desired. The professional caregiver is the way to decrease the adult child's stress because the professional caregiver is an objective person who can often make suggestions that are seen from a more helpful suggestion by the elderly person than a child who is trying to control its mother. For more information on professional caregiving or to learn more about how to assess your elderly loved one, go to www.comfortkeepers.com.