Caregiving when You're an Only (or Alone) Child

Some adult children are fortunate to have siblings or other close relatives who can help as mom and dad need to be driven to the doctor more often or have someone shop for groceries. What if you're an only child or caring alone? Maybe you have been in that situation all your life and you've learned to cope. More power to you. Nonetheless, you must work hard to surround yourselves with supportive friends and extended family as you begin to provide more assistance to your parents -- even if they are good-natured.

The "Absent" Relatives

If you are caring alone because someone simply cannot help now--maybe your sibling is ill or has newborn twins--you'll understand. If you are alone because others will not help, do not let them off the hook. OK, so maybe a fragile parent is not such good bait. Living in another city or having a busy job is not a good excuse for avoiding a caregiving role. Sending money can substitute if it offers substantial relief for the family member shouldering care. However, in all my discussions with friends who are caregivers, I have yet to hear anyone say something such as, "My sister is 2,000 miles away, so she sends $1,200 each month to cover all weekend care and some extra spending money for me."

You cannot control what your siblings do, you can only encourage them to play appropriate roles. Remember:

1) You can control how you react to your siblings' care-avoidance. Do not let yourself get bitter; life's too short.

2) It is not your responsibility to protect your siblings' inheritance.

By that I mean if your labor enables your parent(s) to save money that would otherwise go for the help they need, consider asking them to leave you a larger portion of their estate. Sound crass? Too bad. Your folks may like the idea; they probably appreciate all you do. If your siblings do not like it, tell them you'll trade every other month of duty, and in another year the folks can make the will even again.

If you have no siblings or cannot count on them, look farther. Keep in touch with your parents' brothers, sisters and cousins. Your parents' extended family members have shared histories and may like your mom and dad. Though they may be older, some may still be quite active, and willing to help. If they cannot physically help, they may have more time than you do to look for community resources, be delighted to send books or videos that your folks enjoy, or have money they do not mind giving to help your parents.

Relying on Your Friends

Though I felt young to have ill parents, my younges brother is 10 years younger and has no memory of healthy ones. He had lots of support from them and dad was physically well for a long time, but his parents were like grandparents. In those times, he was unique in his peer group, but as more of us have children later, there will be many young adults caring for aging parents. Still, more of your friends may have "young" parents, and these friends may be willing--to a limited degree--to help you cope with your older parents.

Keep in mind that, if you do seek help from your friends, they will tire of providing it before you stop needing it. You also do not want to take advantage of your friends. Be direct, and let them know you will not often ask for much of their time. When you have an emergency people go to great lengths to help at home and at work. But you should not expect this often. Caregiving is a long process, and you will hang in there because they are your folks. Do not expect non-family members to be as attentive for as long a time.

If you ease into a caregiver role, first duties may include driving parents to the doctor, filing insurance claims, researching audio books as a parent's vision fades, or helping fix up your parents' home so they can sell it and move to an apartment. A friend who is in the health field or has filed a lot of insurance claims herself may help you with that. Your buddies might join you for a Saturday to paint a couple rooms in the house. Someday, you can repay the favors.

One memory of dad's last few months was a visit from a group of my youngest brother's friends. These young men had known each other for years; some went to grade school together, others had met in college and been brought into the circle of friends. They were nearly-incurable bachelors, and another was about to "make the leap," as they put it. Prior to attending a party for the groom-to-be, nine young men strode through the senior citizens' apartment lobby and up to dad's small efficiency. Though they knew it was the last time most would see dad alive, it was not a gloomy occasion. Support for dad? Yes. Support for my brother? Even more.

Finally, there is a great book called "Friends as Family" by Karen Lindsey. It is out of print, but you can often find copies on sites that sell used books. It does not deal with friends helping you be a parental caregiver, but the book is great for the only or alone child.