Caring for an Aging Parent - When the Child Becomes the Parent

When my dad died unexpectedly, I found myself as the primary caregiver for my aging, very ill mother. My father had retired to take care of her, and it was a full time job. After his death, I panicked, because I thought that it was now my responsibility to keep her alive and well. She is an insulin dependent diabetic, with many other health problems. Her blood sugar goes low unexpectedly, causing her to become temporarily disoriented. Her desire was to live independently for as long as possible, in their house, where they had shared so many wonderful memories. Even though I was very frightened for her to remain there, I understood her wishes and respected them. At first, I would stay awake all night worrying about her, and during the day, I would call constantly. My nervous system was overstressed, and it seemed like I was always in a panic mode. During my father's illness, I sought the help of a counselor in order to cope with the stress. After his death, I needed her help even more. I guess the greatest lesson I learned during this time, was that I could not give my mom immortality (even though I wish I could.) Also, I could not be there with her 24/7, and even if she lived with me, I would still have to make trips to the grocery store, doctor, etc., and would have to leave her alone for some period of time. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to calm down, and approach this situation from a different angle, to prevent myself from getting ill.

One of the first things we did was to put a phone calling system in place. My mother calls me when she gets up in the morning, and when she is settled in bed at night. These calls can go to the message machine if I am still sleeping, or out somewhere. But I check often to see that she has called. At least with the phone policy in place, I am sure that she made it through the night, and I am also aware when she is safely in bed.

The next step we took was to get an alert type emergency necklace for her to wear. These are offered as bracelets as well. If she is in an emergency situation of any kind and can't get help, she simply presses the button, and the operators will answer. They will assess the situation and send help immediately. (Several times the power has gone out, and they have contacted her right away, so we know the system works.)

Since my mom is a diabetic, it is up to her to see that she eats regular meals and snacks. We scheduled these into her day, and when she follows the schedule, she very seldom has blood sugar problems. I often review her blood sugar charts to monitor her levels, in order to report to her diabetes management specialist, so that necessary changes can be made.

I also take her to every doctor's appointment. I sometimes tease that between the two of us, we have a different doctor for every body part! I help her convey her condition to the physician, and write down all instructions, so that she will have a detailed copy as needed. Often older people become confused, shy, or forgetful concerning important things that the doctor should be aware of. I feel that if I attend every appointment, she will receive proper attention and care.

My mom and I have a special day for errands. There is so much to take care of since my dad died, including bills, insurance, home repairs, home maintenance, yard maintenance, shopping, banking, etc. My mom no longer drives, so I take her everywhere she needs to go. I have a brother who also lives nearby, but he has a full time job, and cannot do the day to day things that I can. He does, however, stop by daily for lunch on the days he works. This has been a great help to me, knowing that someone else will also be assessing her welfare, on an almost daily basis. He is also able to do the things that we cannot, such as replacing flooring, installing things, yard work, and various maintenance tasks. (Though I must admit that my mom and I have learned to do many things that we never dreamed we would!) My brother's greatest contribution, from my point of view, is that he does her heavy grocery shopping. She and I also do supplemental grocery shopping as needed. (Sometimes I think we are the two busiest women in the world!) But it takes a lot to maintain a house and a life.

I am available to my mom whenever she needs me, but I also have a husband and daughter. Balancing two families is a huge challenge, so I try to make sure that I have enough time with my other family members as well.

Recently, my mom and I decided that we need to take some days just for relaxing and fun together. So not long ago, I took her to lunch, and then brought her back to my house. I made her comfortable in my big bed, gave her an electric warming lap blanket, and we read a little, and then watched a movie together. Later, we moved into another room to enjoy our dinner together. I have found that a change of scenery is so welcome to an older person who no longer drives. Days can be very long, sitting in a small house, looking at the four walls. I also try to include my widowed mom in any of our family activites that she might enjoy. Sometimes she goes along, and sometimes she doesn't, but I am sure it makes her feel loved to be invited.

It is important to make sure than an elderly parent is living in a clean, safe, and orderly environment. Sometimes because of illness and various disabilities, seniors may no longer be able to do housework. In this case, it becomes necessary to decide if outside help is warranted, or if family members would be willing to help. In our situation, I will periodically do some dusting, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, and folding of clothes. (This has to be handled very delicately, so as not to embarrass your loved one.) But sometimes it can even be fun to casually do a little work around the house together. Sometimes we fold clothes, while watching our favorite television programs. We take frequent breaks, grab a snack, and laugh a little. We have also asked all visitors to kindly change their bed linen, on the last day of their visit. This is particularly hard for my mom to manage, and when they comply, the guest bedroom is always cheerfully ready for the next person.

It is vital to keep watch over all of your parent's medications. An orderly system should be set up to insure that all medicines are taken properly and on time. There are medication holders with the day of the week, and the time of day, such as morning, afternoon, evening and bedtime written on them. I also make sure that my mother has all the necessary refills. It is important to have a medication list for the parent, and for the caregiver. That way, if there is an emergency, you will always have the needed information at hand. This is one of the first things that paramedics will ask you for, so make sure that you have it in an easy to find location, along with information about any allergies and existing medical conditions.

Every place you visit, should be viewed as a potential hazard, for an older loved one. Since my mom is not steady on her feet, I always hold her hand, as we enter and leave our destination. She seems to do best when a cart is available. So look for a shopping cart for your senior, whenever possible. (It functions as a walker of sorts.) Don't forget to tell others, who also may take your elderly parent somewhere, all the safety precautions that you already have in place. My mom's vision is not good either, so stepping off curbs can be very dangerous. Be sure to get a disabled permit for your car, so that you can access places more easily. Use marked walkways to avoid dropoffs and curbs. Be aware of eyesight problems in dark areas like movie theaters or shadowy restaurants.

Since my mom lives alone, whenever I leave her house at night, I always close all the blinds for her, check to see that all doors are locked, and that all electrical appliances are turned off. These are important things to be aware of for the safety of your parent. If your parent's eyesight is not good, make sure that any obstacles are out of the way in the main walking areas of the house. One small object left on the floor, can be the cause of a broken hip, shoulder, or other serious injury.

Make sure that your parent is eating a balanced diet, and getting water, fruits and vegetables. Supplemental nutrient drinks may be necessary if their diet is inadequate. Some older people avoid cooking for just one, so remember to bring them a home cooked meal occasionally, to supplement their diet.

Try to be optimistic, keep your emotions stable, and get plenty of sleep. Take care of yourself also, because caregiving is one of the hardest jobs you will ever have! Know that your aging parent may not feel well, and may often be a little grumpy and depressed. Try to brighten their day with a phone call, or a ride in the car. Treat your parent as you would want to be treated, and consider their emotional health, as well as the physical.

Since my dad died, a great deal of bonding has occurred between my mom and me. We are probably closer than we have ever been. We're not just relatives, we're true friends. There have been many trials and struggles, but we have triumphed over them all, because we faced them together. I believe that my care of my mom has enriched my understanding of aging, and has taught me the meaning of love and sacrifice. My goal is to continue to see, that the quality of her life is greatly enhanced, through loving and diligent care.