Cash for Clunkers Astounding Success! Government to Expand Stimulus to More Industries

The Cash for Clunkers program has proven so wildly popular and successful, the government not only authorized an additional $2 billion, Congress has expanded the program. If you aren't ready to help the auto industry and your local car dealer just yet, you may want to participate in these other Government-sponsored programs.

To prop up the ailing poultry industry, watch your local grocery store for the Cash for Cluckers program. Shoppers will delight in $1 per pound government rebates for all chicken purchases. No limit. No minimum. Stock up on chicken for your summer barbecue and have the freezer stocked for roasting all winter.

Once you've stocked your freezer and stuffed your face with fryers, you'll definitely want to take advantage of the government voucher program for gym memberships. Cash for Chunkers will roll out in advance of President Obama's health care initiative. The idea is to get America healthy by encouraging fitness. An ounce of prevention used to be worth a pound of cure, but now will be worth 30 bucks a month!

To encourage the newly fit to continue their healthy lifestyle, you will soon be able to earn federal money for most sports matches. The idea here is to spur participants to stay healthy by over achieving. Money will only be awarded when outrageously lopsided scores are achieved in the Cash for Skunkers program.

Also in line with Obama's health care plan, the government will soon be fighting osteoporosis and simultaneously supplementing the dairy industry with the new Cash for Slumpers program. Milk does a body and a wallet good with 50¢ rebates on every gallon of milk and the return of the free government cheese program.

Since these programs are all going to be such obvious successes, the Obama administration will apply the same concept to education. To bring up the average on national test scores, the government will buy-out failing students in its Cash for Flunkers program. No child left behind except Johnny who will be pushing carts at your local Walmart.

An over-looked, but hard hit segment of the economy is the Arts community. Ever vigilant, Congress has approved $1 billion to support Cash for Crunkers. Anyone busting into an impossibly difficult break-dance on any street corner will receive matching government funds for any tips solicited from passersby.

Come on America, let's get stimulated!