Cast of Characters at the Community Pool: Drunks, Sunburn Victims Abound

Every spring and summer, the community pool opens its doors and welcomes back the neighborhood individuals who remain in good standing with the community association. Those who haven't are forced to stand at the lock gates and peer in miserably as the rest of us have our fun. Each year, some of the faces change as families who have moved are replaced by new ones. But the one thing that remains constant is the group of characters that exhibit some sort of behavioral trait that make them stand out from the rest. I am sure every community pool across the U.S. has them. Let me introduce them to you.

The falling-out family. This is a group that seems to be embroiled in some sort of domestic issue and have no problem airing it out at the pool. It usually involves Mom and Dad having an argument about who's turn it is to take little Timmy to soccer practice or the siblings screaming at each other and swinging wildly with those multi-colored floatie noodles while the parents sit idly by and let them go at it.

The local drunk. You can spot this guy (yes, it's usually always a man) right away. He enters the pool area with a can of beer very poorly disguised in a foam can holder in one hand and a massive cooler in the other. You can tell by his bleary-eyed expression and slow movements that he was on a bender the night before and intends to drink away the pain during the remainder of the afternoon. The drunkard is most often spotted on a Sunday afternoon while the rest of the family is at church and his wife has probably banned him from going because he reeks of booze.

The plastic -surgery brigade. Usually made up of a group of Stepford Wife types who parade around the pool in barely there bikinis, which have just enough material to cover their surgical scars, and high heels. They never set foot in the water but if they did you could rest assured that their epic man-made breast would act as flotation devices and keep them permanently buoyant in the water.

The too-much-sun lady. This is usually one of the plastic surgery women who have taken the entire summer to get the tan that will complement her perfect new body. She doesn't seem to have had any idea when to stop though as she is so brown she makes George Hamilton look like Casper the friendly ghost. Sun block to this lady is like garlic to a vampire and you just know that in 20-years' time she is going to look like a cheap leather purse that was left out in the rain.

The non-potty-trained infant. You have to wonder about the mental capacity of parents who bring their child who is not potty trained and throw them into the adult pool sans swimming diapers. Every year without fail people run screaming from the pool as a stray "snickers bar" floats around. This cause the pool to be closed for a week or more as it is completely disinfected and results in grown ups swimming laps in the 5-foot-long kiddie's pool.

Finally is the group that I fall into: The sun-fearing crowd. You'll see us in everything from wide-brimmed hats to full on beekeepers suits so that we can avoid the suns harmful rays. I'm out there for 5 minutes unprotected and I end up looking like Larry the lobster. If one of our kind has to head to the bathroom or step out of the shade for any length of time, the entire area is befouled by the stench of burning flesh. It's an affliction that no level of sun block can prevent against.

So there you have them. Next time you head down to your local pool be on the lookout for these people and if you want to be the local drunk then I am sure there is some way to devise a drinking game that involves finding different members of each group.