Cast Not Your Pearls

Cast not your pearls before swine. Huh? Most likely you are already shrugging your shoulders and rolling your eyes, as did I each time my mother repeated this, one of her favorite mantras, to me throughout my teen years. Many years later, many heart breaks carefully glued back together - I finally understood. Now, this phrase runs freely through my mind on a daily basis and I think "Wow, if I had only listened I would have saved myself so much pain!" So, I write this not only for myself, but for every girl who had a best friend "stab her in the back", for every woman who has been abused by a man, every man who has had his heart ripped out by a woman, and for every employee who has been treated without value.

I have found throughout this life the majority of people give and take, but for some reason, in many relationships there seem to be only three type of people. There are the users (intentional and unintentional), there are givers, and there are the givers who give in order to use. I have often wondered why two givers do not seem to find each other. I guess it all comes back to "opposites attract" or the laws of balance. In moments of self reflection I have retreated from the world to analyze my life situations. Most often I can pinpoint actions which brought me to the imbalances in my own relationships.

Givers for the most part are idealists. Honor, integrity, and loyalty are simple to the giver. If you treat other's well, then they will treat you equally - ideally. The only reward you can expect is the knowledge that YOU have done what you think is right. To expect anything else is to set your self up for heartbreak and disappointment. To think anything else...moves you dangerously close to being one who "gives" in order to "use". A giver has no expectations or thoughts of reward. Giving is spontaneous, an act without thought.

Yet, if you are a true giver, true users can smell you, sense you....always find you. They will infiltrate every avenue of your life, home, work, school....everywhere. They are the "friend" who only calls or visits when they need something yet are always unavailable when you need a friend, they are the boss who piles duty after duty on you yet never recognizes your diligent efforts through promotion, or even a kind word. They are the spouse who continuously expects you to do for them while giving nothing of themselves.

Cast not thy pearls before swine is a very old, very simple concept which I believe my mother got from a passage in her bible. To translate, it means do not give your beauty (I speak of inner beauty not outer), your love, your loyalty, your essence to those who do not deserve it. If you open yourself up it is easy to spot those who will abuse and disregard all that you are and take your time and energy away from those who truly love you.

All humans have moments throughout their life when they are in need, emotionally, physically, sometimes financially. This does not make you a "user". "Moments" are normal. It is when these moments become consistent and persistent that a person needs to take a good hard look at the situation.

If you have a "friend" who is constantly belittling you, is only there when they need you, and constantly talks behind your back - the best action would be to walk away. The mode is set. There is no magic button to change the way this person is or the way they treat you. They are a user and will continue to take what you give freely and only disappear when you have nothing left to give. If you do not walk away, then acknowledge the flaws in your relationship so you proceed without any illusions and keep some balance in your life. There is also no magic button to change who you are. You will always give. The secret is, not allowing yourself to be abused because of your nature, and in essence not to become the one who abuses another's love in the process.

It has always been said that in time of crisis you find out who your real friends are. We can go through an entire life time during which we have many acquaintances...yet...one day wake up and realize our true friends can be counted on one hand (trite but true). Often these are the people you have put the least effort into your relationship with. True friendship is effortless as is true love, love of any kind - just is- not something you should have to think about, dissect or compartmentalize. It is comfortable and has a good balance of give and take.

We all know on some level who we feel this way with. Yet so often, these are the people we forget to call, or spend time with during a busy life of social engagements, work schedules, the daily rush of life.... and time and energy expended on....users. How often do we find ourselves not spending time with our spouse, our child, a lifetime friend, or even our parents because another person constantly wants our time? How many people spend time on charities and trying to "better the world" yet forget while doing so to put energy and time into those within their own little world? A child left with a babysitter, a mother waiting for a phone call, a father without a fishing partner. The world collectively is made up of many little worlds. If you neglect one for the whole then it is in reality counter productive.

When someone loves you unconditionally sometimes you forget or deliberately do not dedicate any time to them because you know they will love you regardless. Humans are always on a hunt for someone to love them, respect them, and admire them. It is human nature. Yet while on this hunt ...remember..."cast not thy pearls before swine" and do not make yourself the "swine" someone else has cast their pearls to.