Cat Mind Control

Recently I saw an Internet news brief that said cats emit a frequency when they purr that causes their humans to wish to feed them.

As an ex veterinary assistant I have seen newborn kittens use kneading and purring on mother cats to make the mothers produce milk. So the idea that purring would be something a cat would do in order to ask for food even as an adult cat is not absurd to me.

But why would a human respond to purring in the same way that a mother cat would? We don't seem to share any biological traits. And human babies don't have any purring mechanisms that I know of that make them similar to kittens. I have seen newborn humans, They are not as cute as kittens.

Delving into this topic I looked into purring. Cats purr when they are in pain as well. It seems to be a self soothing mechanism as well. They also knead. My cats knead all the time. The pillow, the blanket, the stomach, it is my barometer for when they need their toenails trimmed.

One of my cats in particular seems to be the most at ease when she kneads and purrs. This often leads to drooling and shaking said drool all over.

None of which times have I been tempted to hop out of bed and throw a scoop of food into her dish.

In fact all six of my cats knead and purr when they want attention. Whether it be petting, cuddling, a lap to sit on, to go on the porch, complete global dominion, or a toy from their toy box.

But food? I actually wish that purring was the technique that was used for asking for food.

No. I think in fact these scientists may need to come to my house and observe my animals. They have been trained in army style tactical maneuvers that would make a Ranger take notes.

First they find the loudest place in the house, The small hallway outside the bathroom.

Then they warm up with a few light mews in d minor.

Then the howling begins. Then they throw in a few blood curdling death mews. Then if that doesn't get you out of bed or away from whatever you are doing they will come and find you and begin to stop you from doing whatever you are doing.

If you are on a laptop, they will sit on the laptop.

If you are knitting, they will take the yarn.

If you are sweeping, they will attack the broom, driving you insane until finally you lose all sense and scream "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

Insert loud demanding meow.

While you are walking to the food station they will attempt to kill you by weaving between you feet and walking in front of you and stopping. There is no study as to why they do this, I have looked. But every cat I have ever catsat for or taken care of will do this. My personal hypothesis is that they hope they can kill you and eat your remains. Until a new owner comes and they can repeat the cycle.

Once you are to the food station and you fill the bowl they will walk away from the food until you leave. Then fall upon the food like hyenas and stuff themselves stupid.

Another favorite hobby for cats is asking for water. Again I wish they would simply use mind control and purr. This is however not the game of choice.

You will be sitting in your office or bedroom. Suddenly you will hear a clatter in the kitchen or other place where you have left a glass of water on the counter.

You will walk in to a cat on the counter drinking from your glass. Or Walking around with said glass stuck on the cats head.

Sometimes you will see the cat walking through your clean dishes and drinking drips from the faucet.

My personal favorite is walking in on the cat drinking from the toilet, scaring them and having a soaking wet cat runing through the house.

If you are not quick to change the water you will soon hear cat feet walking through your china. Maybe you have your table set for dinner, you walk in and the cat is sitting next to the turkey licking the skin.

You are working on a project for school and you walk into your office and find paint paw prints over your posterbard and across your beige carpet. You think Isn't that strange he never came in your office before?

The final feline mind control? The litter pan conundrum.

There are three ways I know when the litter pan is unsatisfactory.

First, my cat comes to bed, turns to face his rump to my face and I get a whiff. Case in point the box gets overhauled first thing tomorrow.

The next, I have two long haired cats, when they come sit on my lap and I have to wash their feet and bums with baby wipes because they are too grossed out to do it? The litter has lost its clumping abilities.

And finally when I walk in the kitty box room and say "Oh god!" and the cats start pawing the ground around the box. Time for new digging substrate.

So what cats did these scientists find that sat nicely purring asking for food with electrodes taped to their heads?

As I sit here looking at my alpha boy kitty I ask him "Do you have mind control techniques?"

The answer? Of course he does! But he isn't going to tell me about it.