Catastrophe on Aisle 27: The Need for Federal Grocery Regulations

I heard the commotion from over a block away. The screeching tires and the sound of the impact was deafening. Debris was scattered everywhere. Working through my worst fears, I continued to press forward toward the melee.

Forcing my way through the crowd, I caught my first glimpse of the horrible aftermath. There, wedged between the Spam and the baked beans, stood all that was left of the mangled shopping cart. Lying on its side, the cart was a convoluted web of steel and Uncle Ben's rice. The rear wheels were still spinning freely. Probably for the first time in their life. A few feet from the twisted remains stood a wailing woman in the arms of the produce manager: witness to the accident. It had all happened so quickly. One moment, the woman had been scrutinizing the Chocolate Doodles. The next moment, catastrophe.

Succumbed by grief, I turned to walk away from the commotion, asking myself: "Could this accident have been prevented? Or was it just another pointless by-product of a reckless hit and run shopper?"

I've never been one to promote the regulation of any industry. I even found it distasteful when someone came up with the concept of the 10 items or less line. But with the exponential rise of grocery shoppers, couple with the flagrant paucity of shopping regulations, it's only a matter of time until it won't be safe to walk the aisles anymore.

If I had my way, I would initiate a four-point plan for the regulation of supermarkets and shoppers.

Point one would govern the licensing of all supermarket shoppers. Shoppers would have to be at least 21 years of age to operate a shopping cart. In certain states, mandates could override this requirement by issuing a temporary learner's permit. The permit holder would be limited to operating a shopping cart during daylight hours, and prohibited from carrying passengers younger than 18 in the child's seat. Of course, seat belts would be required.

All applicants would be required to pass an exhaustive written examination addressing the rules for safe cart operation. Some sample test questions might include the following:

1) When approaching an unattended cart in the center of an aisle, you should do which of the following?
a) Wait patiently until the shopper returns and moves the cart
b) Relocate the offending cart two aisles over, in the deli section
c) Ram the cart unmercilessly to the side
d) None of the above

2) After arriving at the checkstand, you observe that the shopper in front of you failed to push their cart through the line. You should, therefore, do which of the following:
a) Repeatedly bump them in their behind to call their attention to the oversight
b) Lift the cart up onto the conveyor belt
c) Surreptitiously scoop armloads of candy and Hollywood tabloids onto the end of their order
d) Ask them if this was an oversight, or has there been a city-wide ban on good judgment

3) You come to the intersection of the dairy case and the Doritos display. There are two elderly women chatting, preventing you from making a safe left-hand turn. What should you do?
a) Make a U-turn and go down another aisle to avoid being detained
b) Bulldoze them out of the way, and apologize after your cart is clear
c) Ask them which aisle the Polident is located on, and then make your break as they're looking in the other direction
d) Tell them that you think that their shuttle-bus to the retirement home is pulling away.

Upon successful completion of the written examination, the prospective licensee would then be required to pass a driving test. They would have to demonstrate proficiency in extricating a cart from the phalanx at the front of the store. They would be required to demonstrate defensive driving skills in the presence of avocado avalanches. Composed of a possible 1000 points, deductions would be made for sideswiping other carts or driving down the wrong side of the aisle. The final consideration in issuing a license would address cart load balancing. The applicant should be able to demonstrate proper loading procedures; always putting the six packs of beer on the bottom of the cart, leaving the top layers free for baked goods, cosmetics and snacks consumed during the trip.

Point Two would address proper shopping cart maintenance and equipment regulations. Prospective licensees would be required to identify the principal components of a cart, such as the Brookings undercarriage support truss, the rear wheel universal housing and the forward advertisement bracket. The new regulations would also seek to gradually phase out shopping carts as supermarket property. By the year 2010, all shoppers would be required to purchase their own carts and transport them to the market on specially designed automobile roof racks. Personal carts would have to comply with federal regulations for weight, width, turning radius, road clearance and maximum hauling capacity. All special equipment such as French loaf racks would have to be approved by federally-run inspection stations prior to entrance into the store.

Shopping cart insurance would be sold to cover those unpredictable mishaps, resulting in damage to limb and property. A no-fault system would be established to cover everything from the simple rickety, wobbly wheel to the more serious toe slammer or hit and run incident. Premiums would be based on age, sex, shopping history, geographical location of supermarket and model and year of shopping cart. Naturally, higher premiums would be assessed to higher performance and sport-utility carts (SUCs).

Point Three concerns the routine enforcement of shopping regulations and defines penalties for infractions. Although regulated by the state, each supermarket would employ their own easily identifiable traffic enforcement officials. "Melon Heads" would routinely patrol the aisles, concentrating on particularly high-risk areas. Citations would be issued for such infractions as shopping in the wrong direction, holding the freezer door open, illegal aisle changes and shopping while under the influence of a spouse. The following is a list of common infractions followed by they're accompanying penalties:

Infraction # 5001, Open container in cart, Penalty: Offender must shop with mittens on for 1 month
Infraction # 2113, Illegal aisle change, Penalty: Offender must leave cart outside and use hand basket for 10 days
Infraction # 1717, Excessive speed, Penalty: Offender must shop with their shoelaces tied together
Infraction # 7856, Grand theft cart, Penalty: Offender is admonished to Seven-Elevens for 6 months
Infraction # 3117, Shopping too slowly, Penalty: Offender will only be allowed in store during the last 10 minutes before closing

Of course, leniency would prevail for first-time offenders. Depending on the severity of the infraction, typical penalties for first-timers would range from shopping with a court-appointed officer to mandatory attendance of Safe Shoppers School. Repeat offenders, however, would be dealt the heavy hand of the law. Those found to be habitual malefactors would be sentenced to serve as grocery checkers or customer service representatives.

Point Four would govern the construction and operation of the supermarket facility. All markets would be certified by the state after adherence to the following criteria:

1) Each market must have a maximum of 3 entrances and exits. They don't have to be labeled and only one has to function properly
2) Each aisle can be no more than 1.5 times the width of a regulation shopping cart. This does not include promotional displays and "Best Buy" cards projecting from the shelves
3) The temperature of the freezer section should be no less than 5 degrees cooler than the ambient temperature of the rest of the store
4) The produce misters must be equipped with motion detectors, set to effuse a fine spray on unsuspecting shoppers reaching for items on the back of the table
5) Supermarkets must utilize special, pressure-sensitive floor plates to monitor the length of checkout lines. Whenever the line exceeds 3 customers, 2 checkers at alternative stations would be required to cash out and take their lunch

In addition to the previously mentioned points, shoppers would no longer be free to wander from aisle to aisle in a haphazard fashion during their visit. All shoppers would be required to enter the supermarket through the right-hand entrance, only. Traffic meters would allow one shopper in at a time, based on the number of shoppers exiting the store. Once inside, the shoppers would be required to push their carts in a counter-clockwise direction around the perimeter of the store. If they need to turn down one of the center aisles, they would do so using left-hand turns, only. If the shopper forgets an item, they would be required to make a complete circuit around the store, until they were in position to make a legal, left-hand turn.

I don't know about you, but I'm very concerned about the current state of our supermarkets. Having already experienced the deregulation of cable television and long distance carriers, I am ready to lay down the law in the name of our grand old ladies of the staple industry. If we continue to allow present-day flagrant activity to continue its downward spiral, none of us will be safe to stop and squeeze the eggplants. I make no bones about it. I'm for tighter supermarket regulations. I'm tired of being pushed, prodded, jabbed and rear-ended. I'm tired of navigating through a maze of obstructions, only to be bonked in the heels as my final reward. I may not be able to change the system. But at least I can try.