Catwoman

Catwoman (2004) Directed by Pitof. Resurrected from the road kill of a concept by Bob Kane, by the following; Daniel Waters; original screenplay 1995. Mauled collectively and serially, by Laeta Kalogridis, Theresa Rebeck, Kate Kondell, John Rogers, John D. Brancato, Michael Ferris, Jon Cowan, John O'Brien, David Reynolds, Harley Peyton, Valerie Breiman, Rita Hasiao, and Andrew W. Marlowe.

I was wondering why this movie was so poorly made. Look above. That is why this movie is so bad. I am going to name Halle Berry, because she had the good grace to accept her Razzie in person. Anyone who did a good job, I will not mention. Any one I credit deserves the credit for this furball on celluloid.

The concept is great. They are planning on reviving the Batman franchise, so why not do a tie in? Catwoman is as iconic as her nemesis/lover. It seems a natural. Here is the problem.

The Catwoman was Selena Kyle. She was a rich socialite who stole for excitement. She was not a killer, she was not super powered; like Batman, she was a very talented and obsessed human being.

How much of that concept made it into the movie? Not one bit.

Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) works in the add department of a major cosmetics company owned by a pair of jerks, George and Laurel Hedare. (Lambert Wilson and Sharon Stone; note I have credited both of them. You may now start assigning blame.)

It begins with this voiceover: "It all started on the day that I died. If there had been an obituary, it would have described the unremarkable life of an unremarkable woman, survived by no one. But there was no obituary, because the day that I died was also the day I started to live. But that comes later. This was my life. Days blended together, consistently ordinary, thanks to a job that was the practical version of my passion. I was supposed to be an artist by now. Instead, I was designing ads for beauty cream."

Patience discovers that their new product has major health concerns and is addictive. When this happens, Laurel Hedare tries to kill her. And that is where the fun starts.

She, like a cat, has nine lives. And cat like reflexes. And cat like agility. And cat like morals and impulse control. Patience has become a Catwoman. She finds a mentor that explains there have been many Catwoman through the years (Check Michelle Pfeiffer's picture in the past Catwomen stack!) And that the Catwoman is about the mystical liberation of women.

She gets a love interest, Detective Tom Lone. (Tom/Cat. Get it?) (Sheesh!) He is supposed to catch the cat burglar who is terrorizing the city. I wonder who?

She gets a nemesis, Laurel Hedare, a Stone Cold Female Dog, which of course makes her the enemy of the Cat. And she has to stop the release of the beauty cream before it infects all the women who use it, addicting them to it.

At the same time, she comes out of her scatterbrained good girl life, and learns to live free. Its kind of cool, especially the scene where she asks the neighbor to turn down the music. That is pure fantasy wish fulfillment. Of course we all wish we could get away with that.

She wins. Plot Spoiler. My bad.

The problem here is that this was billed as a (Selena Kyle, foe of the Batman) Catwoman movie and what you got was an off brand comic that discovered a loophole in the copyright law rip off. This is like going to see a Superman movie, and getting a Superbman movie. That was a betrayal of the fan base.

And the story was a chopped up, mauled over, cobbled together Frankenstein's Monster built by fourteen people. Fourteen. FOURTEEN! No wonder it was a mess.

And now let's talk about the man who asked for and got that performance out of Oscar winning actress Halle Berry. Pitof. What is he the Pitof, I wonder? This man had directed one movie, in Belgium. It did well. I guess something got lost in the translation. Is it like how France likes Jerry Lewis? In Belgium do they regard it as fine art to direct a film into the ground? Am I being too hard on him? Perhaps. Would I like to dip him in cream and throw him in a pit with 10,000 hungry cats? Yes. Yes, please.

I really wanted to like this movie. Really. I love superhero movies. But this one goes too far I mean it won the Razzie for Worst movie, Worst Screen Play, Worst Director, Pitof, and Worst Actress, Halle Berry. (At least she went and accepted the award in person!) It was nominated for Worst Screen Couple (Either Priscilla and Tom or Catwoman and Laurel Hedare) Worst Supporting Actor, Lambert Wilson, and Worst Supporting Actress, Sharon Stone. Sharon honey, you were robbed!

The one thing I will say for it is left with style. I like the closing lines:

The day I died was the day I started to live. In my old life, I longed for someone to see what was special in me. You did, and for that, you'll always be in my heart. But what I really needed was for me to see it. And now I do. You're a good man, Tom. But you live in a world that has no place for someone like me. You see, sometimes I'm good. Oh, I'm very good. But sometimes I'm bad. But only as bad as I wanna be. Freedom is power. To live a life untamed and unafraid is the gift that I've been given, and so my journey begins.

And the way Halle strutted along those rooftops...heck, even I can appreciate that!

So maybe its next life will be more successful. We can only hope. In the meantime please spay or neuter your Pitof and Sharon Stone.