Caucasian Confucius: How to Be "Ghetto"

Dear Caucasian Confucius,
I'm white as snow, but I'm tired of being preppy. I want to be ghetto, like the kids at the crappy public high school on the other side of town! Can you tell me how? -Nick, Orange County, California

Dear Nick:

Sure I can help you be ghetto! In the words of my "homie" Bonquisha, "It ain't no thang, chicken wang!" But I digress.

Anyways, you said you want to be ghetto. No doubt you see cool guys like Nelly and Usher all the time on MTV, hip-hoppin' and stylin' and actin' fly, and are inspired to emulate them, despite your pale hue. However, these millionare rappers in music videos are not really "ghetto." Being "ghetto" in a literal sense means wearing the same underwear for five days in a row and living in a two-room apartment with no sewage or soundproofing, so it's easy to hear the neighbors getting high and having crazy animal sex in the room next door.

No, Nick, what you want to be is "ghetto fabulous." Unlike literal "ghetto," being ghetto fabulous requires no cockroaches, welfare checks, or mattresses made of rotten dumpster wood. It is, however, a lot more expensive. Let's go over the basics.
First off, you're going to need a new wardrobe. Those Abercrombie polo shirts and Hollister belts you wear around the OC aren't gonna cut it, and neither is your Axe cherry-scented cologne. That's not ghetto fabulous, that's just gayer than Richard Simmons at a Fab Five sleepover. No, what you need is a total superficial clothing makeover that sufficently hides your prep school paleness.

First off, throw those white Sketchers in your automatic trash compacter. Drive on down to the local Foot Locker in your shiny Lexus and get yourself some truly "fly" Air Jordans - Air Force Ones, preferably. Yes, you're on your school's nationally-ranked squash team, not the last-place basketball team, but that's not the point here.

Second, walk across the clean open-air mall to a store that sells clothing by Fubu, Southpole, and Sean John, or any other place where you see a lot of black people, if there actually are any in Orange County. In the likely event there aren't, Drive up to Compton in your sparkling wheels and find some there. Look around for a while until you realize that nobody in Compton is wearing any flashy Fubu gear, because they have to save their money for other things, like food. Get back in your car and speed off before you get your ass blown away for looking like the sheltered douche bag that you are.

After racing out of Compton as fast as possible, avoiding the gunfire from homeless guys angry at people like yourself for demanding tax cuts so you don't have to pay for the cheap welfare that they need to survive, go back to the open-air mall and go into a store like The Spot (there's bound to be one; trust me, you aren't the only white boy in the OC thats wants to be ghetto fabulous). Ramble through the store, picking out anything that looks sufficiently "hardcore" for you. Gold chains with dazzling crosses are always a good choice, as are diamond-crusted earrings, silver-plated tooth caps, and platinum-studded belts that hang down to your shoes so you can fashionably trip over them every few seconds. Retro NBA jerseys are also a fine choice, provided you wear them backwards. Remember that money is no object. Your folks are filthy rich, and this isn't a Style Network reality show. Flash that cash!

Once you've completed your purchasing, perhaps with one of the five no-limit credit cards your parents gave you, zoom on home. Throw out all your old clothes, and carefully outfit yourself in that new "stylin'" garb you just got. If you wear a T-shirt, make sure it's long enough- any shirt that doesn't reach your knees is too damn short. You may also choose to dye it bright pink, just to show how secure you are about yourself. Slip on some new $80 Fubu jeans, being careful to fasten them with your platinum belt just above your kneecaps.

There, your new look is set! Now you have to work on your "ghetto" living style. Body posture is very important- be sure to bend at the knees, lean slightly back, and keep one hand next to a belt loop, so u can pull your pants up when they start to slide down. When you walk, do so slowly, with your feet far apart like a duck. This is also necessary to prevent the pants from falling down. Dip one shoulder down on every step, to give you that totally shiznittin' swagger that is the trademark of every successfull ghetto fab boy.

Lastly, in order to be truly ghetto fabulous, you must modify your speech. Discard all those white expressions like "neat," "awesome," "nice," "cute," and anything else non-obscene. Bitch, this ain't Leave it to Beaver, so cut the Cleaver crap. Instead, try words like "fly," "coo" (no L at the end), "fuckin'," "motherfuckin'," and "fuckin' A." There are also several improvisational terms you can use to spice up your newfound linguistic style, like "G's up," "Illin'," and "Bootsy." And you can't go wrong with "Nigga"; just make sure no dark-skinned people are within earshot (this should be very easy where you're from). If they are, you won't be ghetto fabulous, you'll be fabulously dead.

Well, I hope I've helped you out, Nick. Go out into the world with a brand new sense of confidence and assurance. Strike out boldly into new frontiers, showing everybody just how much you're "keepin' it real."

Above all, don't compromise or be influenced by others, no matter what they say. Be yourself.