Cause of AC Glitches Finally Revealed!

For weeks, AC Sources have hesitated to click the "publish" button. "Will this article index on Google? Will my friends and loyal subscribers be notified when my article is published? Does AC hate me?" we wonder. I have news for you. AC doesn't hate you! AC loves you. Keep churning out the awesome content, folks, and you will be rewarded...someday. AC told me so.

A kind old man wearing a black "AC" T-shirt came to me in a dream last night. "Luke," he said, "I've always loved you."

"That's so sweet," I said, "but I'm not Luke."

"I hate to tell you this, babe," AC went on, "but it's up to you to find the man, woman, child, animal, virus, angry cyborg, alien, or poltergeist responsible for those annoying AC glitches."

I laughed. "Whatever!"

"Search your feelings, Luke, and you will discover that you've known the truth all along," AC said, stroking his long, white beard.

"You've gotta be kidding," I said.

"Use the force," AC commanded. Then a strong gust of wind blew his beard over his shoulder, and I saw that his T-shirt was, in fact, an "AC/DC" T-shirt. Music boomed from the heavens: 'Cause I'm TNT; I'm dynamite!

I covered my ears, but couldn't block out the noise. AC winked at me. TNT! Watch me exploooooooooooooode!

I woke up before AC exploded, thank God. My burning desire to find the man, woman, child, animal, virus, angry cyborg, alien, or poltergeist responsible for the annoying AC glitches propelled me out of bed at once. I switched on my computer, connected to the internet, went to associatedcontent.com, and closed my eyes (to use the force). The force gripped my fingers and moved them to type the word "buttbird" into AC's search box.

And the second I saw Paul Rance's terrifying sketch-"the lesser striped and spotted buttbird of Maine"-I knew I had found the culprit. Just look at him, with his red horn and his enormous striped-and-spotted butt. Now, stop looking at Paul's profile picture, and check out that buttbird! Holy moly! Clearly, the buttbird is storing all of our missing AC notifications in his butt. How do we get them out?

Paul Rance is the world-renowned buttbird expert, so I contacted him immediately. "Paul, we've gotta do something about the buttbird. He's intercepting all of our AC notifications and sticking them in his ginormous caboose, and he thinks it's hilarious!"

Paul, a gentle, animal-loving bloke, responded, "I can't let you hurt the poor fellow."

"I don't wanna hurt him," I said. "But the buttbird needs to understand that he can't keep stealing our AC notifications and hiding our articles from the Google spiders. It's not right!"

"The buttbird's not hiding your articles from the Google spiders," Paul said condescendingly. "Buttbirds eat Google spiders."

"Tell him to eat something else!"

"One must never speak to a buttbird."

"You know, in my dream, AC hinted that I should blow up the buttbird."

Paul called me a "daft lass" (or, perhaps, "dumbass") and cried, "Over my dead body!"

"I wouldn't really blow him up," I said. "Besides, if I did blow him up, all of our missing notifications would get blown up, too. Calm down, Paul. Sheesh. You think some strong laxatives would get the job done?"

"Sounds too cruel to me," Paul replied.

"Well, how does PETA recommend extracting email messages lodged in a sentient creature's rear end?" I demanded. "Those AC notifications are going to kill the buttbird if he keeps this up."

"You're right," Paul admitted. "And buttbirds are already endangered as it is, so...I'll talk to him."

"I thought 'one must never speak to a buttbird,'" I snidely remarked.

"Just leave it to me. As long as I wear my buttbird disguise, he shouldn't attack me."

"You are so brave, Paul."

"I know. But my AC friends are worth it. I bet I can stop the AC glitches and save the buttbird's life!"

Paul is packing his buttbird disguise right now, and plans to catch the next flight from London to Bangor International Airport in Maine. Wish him luck, everyone!