CBS's Armed and Famous or Armed and Lamest?

For every 60 minute time slot (or the amount of time it took to give a few cops the photo op of their lives) the sleepy little town of Muncie, Indiana and its police department will be transformed into a joke. For these police officers, whose job to serve and protect is respected-and scrutinized to the highest possible standards of law, the work just became, apparently, less so now that Erik Estrada has graduated from "The Surreal Life" and landed the best gig he's had since "ChiPs" when he played (surprise!) a cop.

For people to actually believe that the five contestants, namely Jack Osbourne, son of rocker Ozzy, LaToya Jackson, wrestler Trish Stratus, wacko Wee Man of Jackass fame and "Ponch" would somehow not make it through the rigors of a terribly difficult TV-inflicted "boot camp" in episode one is laughable; who knows what happened when the cameras were turned off-and the actors returned to their trailers?

Well, they got guns and word is they're loaded.

So is the cast-of has-beens.

First of all, for Osbourne-who is straight out of drug rehab from his well-publicized battle with OxyContin-to be on the show and representing those who protect us is like asking his dad Ozzy to do an anti-drug commercial at any point in his lifetime. And word is that Jack has been on the anti-drug campaign trail, according to the show's official Web site. Naw, that doesn't have anything to do with the fact he's on the show...

Not straying too far from the subject of those who have not actually made much of a difference in people's lives is LaToya, more known for her wacky infomercials (of which there have been a few) and even more bizarre flings than her singing-though her country-music sojourn was worth a few snickers.

Stratus is lesser known than Chyna Doll, which is saying a lot about the show since the "Doll" is currently holed up in less-than-spiffy digs in the Vegas mansion where the Surreal Life Fame Games is being filmed. I'm sure not even half of America has even heard of Stratus. She may be on the C-list.

But the "What? Huh??" continues as you read on.

Even less known than Stratus-unless you're currently popping pimples and are hoping to be the next prom king-is Jason "Wee Man" Acuna, the diminutive stunt man made famous on the MTV series "Jackass." But Acuna has been actually garnering some positive reviews in the show, because he is, apparently, intelligent enough to realize he is not a police officer-and is in fact a sideshow. Like in Jackass, Acuna is best when messing with the leading men and women-and he's already had some memorable moments. During a scene in which Estrada underwent some hand-to-hand combat training as part of the rookie's "boot camp" Acuna blurted "Ponch just farted," eliciting laughter and announcing his arrival to the world-and to the senior class of 2007, wherever they are.

And finally we get to Estrada, who last found work pimping primo real estate on Fantasy Island in Washington state for an infomercial (I can't make this stuff up) at 3 a.m. I know this because I actually watched it in amazement while the words "What in the hell has happened to Ponch?" filled my thoughts.

For this show to make through one month will actually be a miracle, yet it may actually happen. Despite all of the critics who have panned this show-and laughed hysterically at it actually becoming a show, the trade publication Variety claimed "Armed and Famous" could actually make the cut since "no network has access to more actors playing cops and robbers." Oof, right in the kisser...

To be sure, it could happen the way Variety predicts it; for example, Osbourne has shorned his long locks for a more discreet-and dare I say, sleek and sophisticated-appearance. Estrada has always had that X factor; even in his movies that have gone straight to VHS or DVD (of which there have been to many to list) he has usually played the straight guy in the ongoing battle of good v. evil. And his onscreen experience as a police officer has literally spanned three decades or more.

The variant-and frankly, the one who could by birthright make the show go one way or the other is LaToya, the black sheep of the well-known Jackson family. Though she gets less press than sister Janet, LaToya, be it through her adult magazine antics or her psychic powers, she seems to get a little of the pie-and lots more than Tito or Jermaine.

Americans love good stories and LaToya is about a million stories rolled into one, that's for sure. Not much is known of Stratus, who will probably come off as the most straight-laced of the bunch and will be the yin to LaToya's yang.

As for Acuna, well, he will likely be the wild card, meaning that his job will be to hold up the show with his off-kilter humor (he's well-known for his pranks) when the others aren't coming through-or as well on camera.

Though the critics have been especially hard on this show-it does have a chance on CBS, with a less-than-spectacular lineup of comedies.

But the show did a terrible disservice to itself in the opener when Estrada and his partner answered a possible call of drug possession, only to find a toothless old lady pushing 80, who gushed at being detained by Ponch-and forever giving Poncharelli and the show on which he's starring a black eye.

Get detained by the "Armed and Famous" on CBS.