Celebrity is a Fickle Mistress

Golf champ Tiger Woods is in hot water this week for the poor handling of a mishap which occurred over the weekend at his home. Woods allegedly crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant in front of his house during an event publicists are calling a "misunderstanding."

Officials are reluctant to comment, and the Woods camp originally said Woods' wife, model Elin Nordegren Woods, had rescued her beloved Tiger from the vehicle in a heroic effort involving a golf club. Right, whatever you say guys.

Down here in "regular people land" we call that domestic violence. I'm no crime scene investigator, but I've seen enough redneck brawls to say, from the look of things, Elin used the club to bash in the window of the vehicle during a, shall we say heated, argument. It's impossible to tell, however, whether Woods crashed his truck before or after the crazy woman appeared with the 9-iron.

If there was a fight, it's likely due to ongoing rumors that have surfaced over the last several months showing Woods out on the town with his alleged mistress, Rachel Uchitel. Keeping in mind that the only photos of these activities came from tabloid paparazzi, there's no real way to know whether Woods and Uchitel are actually romantically involved. But, with celebrity comes scrutiny and the boy wonder of golf should know better than to think he can cat around with the striking brunette without the Mrs. getting wind of it.

Had these events involved anyone other than a celebrity of Woods' stature, the police would certainly have investigated further and probably hauled someone off to the pokey. Apparently that's not the case in fashionable Florida neighborhoods. Plus, I have to ask, why did Mrs. Woods have a golf club?

If it was allegedly 2:30 in the morning, and Tiger was driving alone, why would she have brought a golf club out of the house to meet him? Was he coming or going? Maybe CSI's Gus Grissom (actor William Peterson) will come out of retirement and put the pieces together for us.

One of the strangest things about the Woods story is that, for a few moments anyway, it managed to overshadow the thoroughly ridiculous tale of two reality show wannabes who slipped past the Secret Service to crash President Obama's party for the Prime Minister of India. While Tiger and his wife are trying to keep their marital activities under wraps, these would-be socialites want as much exposure as possible.

With cameras and a production crew from the Bravo network in tow, the couple made fools of the very people who are in charge of the single-most secure building in the United States by walking right into the star-studded gala without an invitation. Instead of being bashed by the media, maybe the pair should get a medal for exposing a weakness in White House security.

I was appalled that Matt Lauer actually had these two phonies appear as guests on the Today show Tuesday morning. He wanted to get, and I have to laugh at this, "their side of the story." Their side? Matt, come on! You used to be a journalist man! Their side is, "if we pull this off, we'll be on every TV show in the country!" Nice work, Lauer, you fell for it.

These two are nothing more than superficial, spotlight-hogging nobodies. Unfortunately, I would guess the only criminal charges that could be filed against them with any hope of sticking would be for misdemeanor trespassing.

Which begs the question, how can you be trespassing on government property if you are a U.S. citizen? Don't we own it? There was no real threat and they weren't carrying weapons, unless you count the gallons of hair spray, those huge teeth and her fake... well, you know.

By the way, have you noticed I haven't named the couple in this article? Well, that's because, as much as I want my column to be read by as many people as possible, I am certainly not going to help them get one more Google hit.

Actually, I'm a little offended that I wasn't invited to that White House dinner either. Maybe if the mayor of Jamestown, Ohio honors the mayor of Richmond, Indiana with a flannel shirt gala, I'll just crash that party instead.

Columnist Gery L. Deer is a freelance journalist based in Jamestown, Ohio. More at www.gerydeer.com