Celebrity Voicemails

First of all, will someone tell the folks at "America's Funniest Home Videos" to change their name to "America's Stupidest People?" Can you believe some of the things these people attempt and actually think it's a good idea? Driving a four-wheel, all terrain vehicle up a plank, to the roof of a garage, sure sounds like a good idea, doesn't it? No, it's a stupid idea and not funny. You want to get a laugh? Show us a video of that guy in his hospital bed in traction. That will definitely send the nation into hysterics.

And, also, AMV, showing videos of people getting hit in the crotch was funny the first seven thousand times, but now let's move on. Speaking of moving on, let's move on to this week's column entitled, "Celebrity Voicemails."

Wouldn't it be great if we had a phone book with all the phone numbers and cell phone numbers of some very famous celebrities? You know they have to record their own outgoing message. Here is what a few might sound like:

Angelina Joile and Brad Pitt: Hi, this is Angelina and Brad. We can't come to the phone right now. We're busy adopting Kenya. No, not a child from Kenya. Kenya. The country. Please leave a message at the sound of Brad saying, "Why did I leave Jennifer?"

Michael Vick: Hi, you've reached the home of Michael Vick. I can't come to the phone right now as I am making a purchase at the S.P.C.A. Please leave a message at the sound of the bark.

Jon and Kate Plus Eight: Hi, this is Jon. I can't come to the phone right now. I'm busy coming up with new ways to embarrass my children. Please leave a message at the sound of the tabloids hitting the stands.

Brett Favre: Hey, you've reached the home of Brett Favre. I'm not home right now. I'm out doing some shopping. No, wait, I don't think I'll go shopping. Maybe I'll go to the park. Uh, no, that doesn't sound like a good idea. I know, I'm going to grab something to eat. I'm not really that hungry. Gee, I really don't know what I'm going to do. I could always drive my four-wheel, all terrain vehicle up a plank, to the roof of my garage. Leave a message at the sound of indecision.

Kanyae West: This is Kanyae. I can't come to the phone right now. I'm busy interrupting the outgoing message on Taylor Swift's machine. Please don't leave a message. I only like the sound of my voice.

David Hasselhoff: Hi, this is Dave. I can't come to the phone right now. I'm catching a ride to rehab with Amy Winehouse. Yeah, ol' Davey got into the Smirn-hoff again. Leave a message at the sound of the cork popping.

Howie Mandell: Hey, this is Howie. I'm not here right now. I'm in a meeting with Monty Hall to promote our new show "Let's Make A Deal Or No Deal." Leave your message at the sound of the briefcase closing.

Bernie Medoff: This is Bernie Medoff's residence. I can't come to the phone right now. I'll get back to you in about one hundred-fifty years. Please leave a message at the sound of "Ka-ching."

David Lettermen: Hi this is Dave. I can't come to the phone right now. I'm busy having sex with the crew from "The Big Bang Theory." How ironic is that? Leave a message at the sound of the condom snapping.

Those are just a few of what you might hear if you ever got your hands on a celebrity phone book. It sure beats calling them and asking if they have Prince Albert in a can.