Cell Phone Use in Polite Society

We have known for a while that using your cell phone while driving increases your chances of having an accident. You may have seen bumper stickers demanding that you "Hang up and drive!" There is something more fundamental than safety concerns around cell phone usage. There are sociological concerns. Let's take a look at why we should, "Hang up and be social."

The first astounding psychological phenomenon that we encounter is how a cell phone ring can spawn a Pavlovian response in a human being. The tone compels its owner to answer no matter where or when it happens. The tone also causes restaurant patrons nearby to begin moving ominously towards the owner, forks at the ready.

Just because your cell phone rings does not mean you have to answer it. There is a time and place for every thing. Talking to your dog groomer is not appropriate when holding up the line at the grocery store. Think before you flip that phone out and start a "private" conversation. Common sense has the additional benefit of keeping a strangers shoe out of your butt.

The whole subject of where and when is the correct time to use your cell phone has been debated by the voices in my head for a while. It really struck home a few weeks ago when I pulled up to a pharmacy drive-thru window only to be greeted by a very large sign that read, "Please finish any cell phone calls BEFORE you ring the bell."

Nothing is more rude than treating another human being like an inanimate, invisible PEZ dispenser. Nothing says, "You are a worthless piece of dung," like continuing your cell phone call while ignoring someone who is trying to help you by professionally completing a transaction for medication that may save your life. You are really going to need that pain control medicine for the whip lash inflicted by the frustrated driver behind you anyway.

Just a few days after seeing the sign on the pharmacy, I had the pleasure of visiting my local KFC. You can get an entire meal in one bowl so why bother with those pesky, individual piles of food. The woman and small boy ahead of me in line were already getting on my nerves. Mom was letting 5-year-old Junior try to read the menu and decide his kid's meal side items on his own. Lady, he's 5. Order the green beans and corn like a responsible adult instead of letting him pick mashed potatoes and fries.

As if that wasn't enough to raise my blood pressure, her cell phone rang in the middle of her order. She couldn't ignore it for two minutes, finish her order and step aside to call back. She answered the call, ceased placing her order, and obliviously let the line behind her trail out the door.

I'm a whistler. Dad was a whistler. Grandpa was a whistler. Whistling is in my blood. You've never heard Tchaikovsky until you've heard the 1812 Overture whistled loudly in a KFC. There was no applause given for my concert only a dirty look from the woman that was having trouble hearing her caller. Instead of talking the hint, my efforts actually prolonged the call. I should have tried to hand this brain dead soccer mom $5 and told her to buy a clue, but I really wanted to get that bowl of food and start choking it down as fast as possible.

This brings us to the cell phone amble. This is a recent phenomenon associated with cell phones. You are familiar with this high-tech form of exercise. It is typified by aimless ambling, walking in circles, and and podiatry-like concentration while talking on a cell phone. Outbreaks of this condition have risen 500% since the introduction of Blue Tooth devices. To date, the actual physical effect of cell phones on the human brain are said to be safe, but I know better. Cell phones produce stupid rays. Invisible waves stupefy the user and cause them to wander in public places like a psychiatric patient in the day room.

The best example I have of this growing problem is my unfortunate encounter with a woman at my local Publix grocery store. She had abandoned her cart in the middle of the aisle allowing no one to pass. She wandered up and down and circularly through the aisle while discussing her most intimate medical history for the entire store to hear. Her purse sat proudly in the cart's child seat, completely open to anyone with a thief-like gene. Lacking that particular genetic makeup, the best I could muster was to casually drop random items into her cart. I never found out if she bought the three greeting cards, box of condoms, bottle of Gold Bond powder and douche that she really hadn't been shopping for.

The reason for relaying these observations is simply this, don't be a cell phone jerk. You control the phone, not the other way round. People standing in front of you take priority over the call from your cousin-husband.

And don't be the "I can handle it" guy. If you think you are different, that you are the worlds greatest multi-tasker, that you can handle driving to work, calling your daughter-in-law, ordering at the drive-thru, and applying your makeup simultaneously, you are wrong. Statistics will prove this to you one day as will the emergency room x-ray of the cell phone jammed up your posterior. Whether this condition results from the car wreak or the angry patron behind you in line is your call.