Cell Phones and Groups of Friends Generally Cause More Problems Than They Solve

Q: I have recently noticed some really poor behavior with a friend of mine. Many of our mutual friends have complained to me as well about her - usually as conversation happened to turn in that direction. The problem is she does NOT take criticism well. I once told her the shirt she was planning to buy really looked awful on her and she went into a tirade about how I was always looking down on her because my body is perfect and her's isn't (my body is FAR from perfect, and it was the color on the shirt that made her look sick when she wore it) and how all her friends thought so low of her.

I know she has some self esteem issues, but this latest behavior is really irritating. She has taken to talking very loud on her cell phone no matter where we go, and ignoring us to talk on her cell phone when we are spending time together. How can I tell her that this is very unacceptable without being overly critical? I admit I have answered my phone during gatherings, but I have two children and often it is my babysitter calling - not just a friend to chat. Help me, please!?

A: You have a couple of options here. The cheater's way - but most effective - is to find a service that will make an anonymous telephone call for you. You know your friend will pick up and these services have someone, like a telemarketer, who will call your friend and read what you wish them to say from a script. This is only recommended when there is a large group of people who have a problem with a single person. In this way your friend does not know which person (or persons) made the call so they will behave themselves around everyone. It also keeps a large group of people from "ganging up" on your friend and making her instantly defensive. If someone is feeling defensive it is likely this behavior will become worse, instead of better.

A better option to look at is for you and your friend to sit down and talk, one-on-one. If a group of you get together it may be too much for her to handle, but the two of you may be able to make it happen. Gently tell your friend that you find it hard to believe that she really wants to be spending time with you if she is going to be on the phone the whole time. Explain that her being on the phone and laughing with another friend makes you feel like a 3rd wheel. Point out that you are not the only one who feels this way and that if she could just tell her other friends that she can't talk at the moment that would be fantastic - of if she could excuse herself from the area and take the call away from you. Be gentle, but you need to tell her, in some way, that her behavior is unacceptable to you and your mutual friends. Then, while you are together, gently remind her of this when she takes a call. Sometimes making her leave the gathering every time she talks she will realize how much she is missing out because of her time on the phone and will hopefully stop. The Etiquette has not quiet caught up with the technology - just like the law - but some standards apply no matter what. You don't start an outing with one group of people and then invite others into the group to just interact with you alone. That is what answering a cell phone is doing - bringing in one person to interact with only you while you are involved with a group.