CH- -CH. What's Missing? UR

I love church signs. I have a lot in common with them: sincere, yet cheesy and never quite sure if people are laughing with me or at me but stand firmly planted into the ground anyway.

These days I am very skeptical of emails forwards I get that are photos of church signs. With sites like this, anybody can make them say anything. You have to stay on your discerning toes to find real life good church signs. My favorite one to date that I know is real because I saw it with my own two eyes: Bring your sins to the altar and drop it like it's hot. Awesome.

Anyway, there is a Jiffy Lube near our house that has been adding church sign type sayings to its marquee. So far, their sayings have only been so so, but the fact that it is a Jiffy Lube rather than a church magnifies its awesomeness. I would give them my business if I didn't change my own oil and they didn't have a rusted out '84 Camaro parked out front with a body lift, suspension lift, mud tires, and the Jiffy Lube logo slapped onto the door. It's kind of Deliverance-y looking.

Though that Jiffy Lube hasn't earned my business, it has successfully repiqued my interest in my once beloved church signs. Today, I thought I would take a look at some church signs that we all may have seen while driving around and spice them up a bit. I googled "church signs" and turns out the Internet is full of them.

I copied some below and added my two cents on the end. My words are italicized, which really just means they are written all slanted-like. Please forgive me for anything lame or sacrilegious that may follow:

Wal-Mart is not the only place that saves. Try Big Lots.

God will save you if you ask him. Unless you're predestined to be wrong.

Those who follow the crowd soon get lost in it. Or pick pocketed.

Turn or BURN. NASCAR '09!

You can reach higher when You're on your knees. Depending which floor you are on.

Your words are windows to your heart. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see. Like in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Jones had to cross what appeared to be an impassable ravine and stepped out into seemingly thin air only to reveal a hidden walkway.

The prayer line to heaven is never busy. Unless there is a plane crashing somewhere.

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. This is way deeper than that box of chocolates one.

In prayer; expect setbacks, but refuse retreat. In Wisconsin; eat cheese but refute Brett Favre.

In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period. Exclamation point

Happiness is an inside job. So was Watergate.

If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms. And there would be no man nipples.

Read the Bible. It will scare the Hell out of you. Even more than The Shining.

There are two things I've learned: There is a God and I'm not Him. Oh and neither is Oprah.

Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope. President Obama's hope leads to Nobel Peace Prizes.

Wise men still seek him. And have access to myrrh.

Beat the Christmas rush - come to church this Sunday. Toy sale begins immediately following our 11am service.
Is what you're living for worth dying for? Or putting on a t-shirt?

God answers Knee mail. And if you're lucky, you'll catch him on Knoogle Chat.

Happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. According to the Priceline Negotiator

The church is prayer-conditioned with vaulted ceilings, plenty of seating, numerous bathrooms, and a full basement nestled in a quaint little community.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. So do ax murderers.

Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church. The bride will be very unappreciative.

Attitude always determines altitude. As does the blood alcoholic level of the pilot.

Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop. Buy a digital camera.

Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler. Then you can hold one end down while the other end is hanging off the desk and flick him to make that cool vibrating noise.

Christians can't let there lights shine while locked in the closet of fear. Yet coming out of the closet presents a whole new set of problems.

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1. But if you're pregnant don't forget the prenatals. Or the insulin if you're diabetic.

Disappointments are often His appointments. -Dr. Phil

The University of adversity produces graduates of character and patience. Which still does you no good in this economy.

When life knocks you to your knees, you are in position to pray. Or to Roman Greco wrestle.

Good minus God equals 0. As well as anything multiplied by 0. This is simple math, people.

The most important things in life aren't things. It's money because that is how you get things.

Having a sharp tongue can cut your own throat. Unless you're a magician and it is part of your act.

The Easter bunny never rose from the dead. And he hides eggs in your yard which end up stinking weeks later. Stupid Rabbit.

The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none. Or maybe that one in San Francisco that caused an earthquake during the world series.

Prayer will give you a calm-plex But I'm pretty sure they make an ointment for that.

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow. But I prefer goose feather.

Sunsets - a gift from God. Along with all-you-can-eat buffets.

Hell! . . . I'd forgotten about that! What is, the Electric Slide, Alex?

You can't walk with God while running with the devil. Someone please inform Van Halen.

The cross is God's final answer. Yeah, Regis!

The bread of life never goes stale so stock up at Costco.

Soul food served here. This slogan is not racist.

Sin and Pride have one thing in common.......the middle letter is I, which pointed out by sports t-shirts everywhere, is not in the word "team".

Awesome: you don't know the meaning of the word until you meet Jesus. Or watch Gallagher's stand up routine.

God is bigger than any church. But Joel Osteen is a close 2nd. Because he deserves it.