Change or I'm Leaving You: When to Give Your Partner an Ultimatum

There is an old joke that goes like this: "my wife said if I go fishing again she'd leave me. I'm going to miss her." The joke has even been made into a country song. There are times in every relationship when you get into serious fights and the temptation may be strong to give your partner such an ultimatum. Never do this in the heat of an argument. First of all, your partner may call your bluff and leave. Secondly, he may go fishing, or spend too much money, or do whatever caused you to give the ultimatum and then you weaken and don't leave. Now your partner will know that you don't mean what you say and will never respect you again. Is there ever a time when an ultimatum is appropriate? Possibly.

If you and your partner want completely different things out of your relationship, it may be time to think of leaving if he or she doesn't change. The best example of this is when you want to get married, or move in together, or basically move your relationship to the next level, but your partner is happy with the way things are. Rather than give him or her an ultimatum, you should give yourself one. Promise yourself that you will have that big talk if the two of your aren't living together by the fall, or if you haven't become engaged by your birthday. When the deadline has passed, then let him or her know that you have decided to leave if things don't change. If the answer is still no then you know what you need to do so that your own life can move forward.

If your partner has had an affair, this is one of the most serious injuries a relationship can take. Maybe you have told the other partner that you would leave if they ever strayed. Now you have to leave if only for a while or you have no credibility. But if you haven't previously given such an ultimatum you may want to work it out. In this case the cheating partner has to promise not to see their other lover anymore. This is difficult because often there is an emotional attachment between your partner and the other man or woman. You still have to give the ultimatum, but you have to wait and see if your partner still wants to stay with you. No doubt the time when you confronted them about the affair caused an awful scene. The best way when this happens to say, stop seeing this person or I'll leave, is to write a letter to your partner. Otherwise, if you try to tell them in person they may interrupt you and argue that they still want to be friends with the third party or you may not get out what you have to say. Even if you successfully write and give them the letter, you have to give them some time to answer. If they insist on still having contact with the other man or woman you have to leave, or you open the door to other affairs.

The hardest ultimatum to give may be, "quit using drugs/alcohol or else." You may be looking on your addicted spouse as a victim whom you hate to abandon. If you have tried absolutely everything else and they still don't stop using, it is time for an ultimatum. People will not change in most cases unless they have to. If using drugs or drinking means losing their partner, this may be what causes them to recover. Definitely follow through with this threat if you make it or you may be endangering your own life. People under the influence are not always responsible for their own behavior. But the ultimatum should be given when all else has failed.

Under no circumstances should you issue an ultimatum as a test. You have to be so unhappy that you actually will follow through with it. If you are unhappy enough to consider leaving, your relationship is doomed anyway if you don't fix the problem. The difference is, you may self destruct trying to keep the relationship intact when it has so many problems. And although it will hurt if your partner chooses to end the relationship rather than change, it will hurt worse to stay where you are, feeling that unhappy and with the added injury of receiving no respect.