Changing Your Self-Talk

From the time we can assign words to the meaning of things, we humans begin to have an ongoing dialog in our head. In childhood that dialog begins by repeating what we hear from the adults in our life. The pattern of these words set a life long pattern of our self-talk. If the adults in our life have been critical, our self-talk will be critical, too. Self-talk is ongoing. The conversation rarely stops. We think because we don't do it out loud, that others don't know what we are thinking. However, our feelings and behaviors stem from these thought patterns. Most emotional and behavioral problems can be corrected by changing the self-talk.

Chemically dependent people use alcohol and drugs to self-medicate their feelings. Few of these individuals have ever been taught to manage their feelings by controlling their thought patterns and self-talk. Since these tapes began playing at a very early age, some feel that they are powerless to make different choices. It is important to be open-minded and allow others with healthier mind-sets to guide the change in the self-talk. When we are the products of our poor environment we must choose a new environment to sustain positive growth. (Turkeys don't fly with eagles.) Counseling and Sponsorship are helpful tools. But, in truth you are the only person who can choose your thoughts.

Thoughts precede feelings and behaviors. Feelings can be best handled by changing the conversations that take place in our heads. Feelings can stay around for years wreaking havoc in our lives, or we can change the tapes and the meaning we assigned to the words of our self-talk. Daily positive affirmation work is a good way to change the information on the three-minute loop that plays in your head.

Others cannot cause you to be happy, angry, sad or depressed. You are not a robot. You choose your responses depending on the self-talk taking place in your head.

Think before you act. Sometimes a few seconds is all it takes to re-evaluated before you act on a feeling. Feelings are flavored by our thoughts and our past experiences. They do not always reflect reality. If we view life through scratched and battered lenses, our vision is distorted. If you act out every time you are worried, anxious, or angry, you are certain alienate all those you come in contact with.

Discuss your feelings. Remember that your feelings are framed by the thoughts you think. Clarifying the intent of a situation can often defuse what could become a time bomb. Give your brain a second chance to process information in another way before you choose a response. Stuffing those feelings or denying those feelings will cause them fester like an infected wound. Venting feelings in an appropriate way is like draining the wound. Don't loose your cool, or rant and rave. Stick to "I" statements and own your feelings.

Once you have decided on a cause for a feeling, you can choose what to do about it. If you don't have a good answer, discuss the problem with someone who has more knowledge than you. Sharing it with someone who is experiencing the same mind-set or problems can sometimes fuel the misery. Seek higher understanding. Lend encouragement to someone else that struggles with a problem you have overcome. It will build your confidence about solving the current problem. You will feel better, too. Moping around and bathing in self-pity is like picking at the sore. They lead to more infection. Getting into new activity changes what you are thinking about. Right feelings follow right actions. This always means doing something different.

When you screw up and fail to follow all this good advice, don't beat yourself up. None of us is perfect. You are not the exception. Admit your mistakes, say your sorry, and make different choices the next time. The important thing is not making the same mistake over and over. We all learn from making mistakes. Think with the end results in mind.